Swipe right: Imagining the Tinder profiles of our TV show faves
If you’ve had the unfortunate displeasure of routing through the flaming trash can of Tinder for dates lately, you’ll know the dating site basically showcases all of us at our idealized unrealistic best and our absolute truthful worst. It’s rough out there people. Dating on Tinder can be a minefield of personal insecurities, regrettable matches, and awkward conversations that can make you long for the days of picking up random people at a local bar instead.
We couldn’t help but wonder how Tinder translates to the world of TV and what the profiles of some of the most complex, sweet, awkward, disturbing, and outspoken modern TV show characters would look like. Here are nine hot takes on what we think these might look like.
Ilana (Ilana Glazer): Broad City
Ilana would have one of those profiles that only features pics of her with BFF Abbi (Abbi Jacobson), making it super confusing as to which one you’re actually messaging. That’d also be exactly how she likes to play potential hook-ups.
The rest of her profile would be tight and to the point, featuring a series of acronyms like DTF and HMU – M/F, with a signoff that reminds people of the four R’s (reduce, reuse, recycle, Rihanna) before they dare to start sending d**k pics.
Elliot (Rami Malek): Mr. Robot
Definitely one of those mysterious profiles without a single picture on offer, the first half of Elliot’s profile would be full of cryptic musings like, “Lonely. Can’t afford to be. Do you feel that too? Not looking for anything. You know who you are. Red Wheelbarrow?”
The second half would feature a disturbing all-caps rant from Mr. Robot (Christian Slater): “THE TRUTH IS ELLIOT DOESN’T KNOW WHAT HE WANTS. BUT I DO. HMU FOR A GOOD TIME. IT CAN BE OUR SECRET. LET’S OVERTHROW SOCIETY TOGETHER.” You’d probably still swipe right because what the actual f**k?
Darius (Lakeith Stanfield): Atlanta
Darius would have the most earnest, thoughtfully staged selfie for his profile alongside as limited information about who he is or what he wants as possible. Instead, he’d just have a bunch of philosophical points like, “Stars are just a projection of what’s actually already inside of your mind,” or questions such as, “How many regrets do you allow yourself in life?” He’d respond to matches as slowly and sporadically as possible.
Eleanor Shellstrop (Kristen Bell): The Good Place
Eleanor’s pre-death Tinder profile would be full of DIY photoshopped selfies, and five near-identical pouting poses in front of Cartier, Prada, Tiffany, Gucci, and a shit-ton of other stores she can’t afford to shop at but would love a man to float her to.
She’ll seem like the ultimate catch on her profile – smart, independent, compassionate, and sexy – only to reveal her inner monster the second you get in touch. “You got abs, bro? Pic or fork off. How much do you earn in a day? I’m literally too drunk to drive right now. Could you pick me up and take me home? Can’t stay over though LOL #sorrynotsorry.”
Jessica Jones (Krysten Ritter): Jessica Jones
Just a dark webcam picture where you can barely make out any distinguishable features and a one-line profile that states: “Trish told me to set this up. Casual arrangements only. Super strength desirable but not essential. Bring bourbon or don’t bother.”
Tina Belcher (Dan Mintz): Bob’s Burgers
Since she isn’t even old enough to legally use the dating site, Tina would likely overshoot in trying to look old enough by stating that her age is 46 and wearing a headscarf and sunglasses in her profile pic like Little Edie from Grey Gardens.
The profile would be extremely concise, outlining Tina’s enthusiasm for “butts” and how she’s just looking for someone to “inspire and share in the world of erotic, undead fan fiction with a legitimate old lady who is definitely old enough to be using Tinder.”
Samantha White (Logan Browning): Dear White People
The most politicized Tinder profile imaginable, and one that would definitely feature a warning against “white boys looking to educate or fetishize a sister” before reeling off the exact traits she’s looking for in a match. “If you don’t fit the description then move the f**k along.” Samantha would probably boycott the dating site after less than a week.
Titus (Tituss Burgess): Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt
Featuring a black & white professional headshot taken in that perfect twilight lighting that makes gay men look their best, Titus would use Tinder not for hookups, but for potential acting work. His profile would feature all five outstanding credits of his career so far, along with a call out regarding his versatility as a star – he can be a fireman, werewolf, cop, or even a fireman-werewolf-cop!
At some point, Titus bemoans the fact that celebrity dating site Raya never did authenticate his profile before indulging in a ten sentence rant about Disney’s extreme copyright laws.
Noah Solloway (Dominic West): The Affair
In the grossest profile ever, Noah would big himself up as though he’s some sort of Nobel prize winner for having two ex wives and four kids – all of whom hate him. His profile would mostly be stuffed with review quotes about his one good book and pictures of himself from when he was rich and not in prison for murder.
Noah’s main profile pic will just be a tragic selfie of him in front of a dirty mirror with no top on, a pile of unsold copies of his book on a table behind him, and a disturbing look of psychotic horniness spread across his face.