The best characters of ‘Bob’s Burgers’: A quarantine ranking
After bingeing Bob’s Burgers while stuck at home, we began to wonder: what would it be like if we were quarantined with one of the characters? While some would come with perks, like excellent cooking skills and a notion of privacy, others would get old by day 5. We’d throw out other characters in the middle of day 1!
Here’s our definitive ranking on who we’d want to be stuck with from Bob’s Burgers while practicing social distancing and staying at home.
Our hero and the one sane man on Bob’s Burgers, Bob’s a reasonable guy and would give us space. He would also lend a good listening ear if we needed it. Bonus points: he can cook up a mean burger and Thanksgiving dinners, as long as hijinks don’t screw up the latter.
Tina would definitely respect our space without giving us much trouble. She’d probably keep herself busy writing endless erotic friend fiction. The one downside is that she may invite her friends over. And while some of her friends on Bob’s Burgers can be tolerable, others not so much. (We’re looking at you, Tammy.)
Gene’s an all-around fun kid. But his farting synthesizer, a recurring gag on Bob’s Burgers, would become annoying really fast. Plus, would he remember to get the toilet paper if were his turn to go shopping?
Louise is awesome and one of our favorite characters on Bob’s Burgers. It would be fun to scheme toilet paper runs with her. We’re afraid quarantine might break her, though. She would bounce off the walls and demand to be let out by day 6, though she’d deny it if asked.
Linda wouldn’t be pleased to be the last Belcher listed. As seen many times on Bob’s Burgers, Linda would try to rally everyone together for 24/7 fun activities. While it would be amusing for a week, silly songs and board games would get old fast. We’d be praying to be let out by day 20.
Teddy can be affable & loyal to the core with his friends, especially Bob. Another perk: since he’s a handyman, he can fix any problem in the house. The main downside is Teddy’s short fuse; often on Bob’s Burgers, Teddy’s anger gets the best of him, so much so that he’s been known to rage so much he destroys a room.
The wet-blanket school guidance counselor on Bob’s Burgers, Mr. Frond may happily keep to himself with his knitting & puppets. On the other hand, we see him crying his life story to us or scolding over little things. Perhaps he might even try to rope us into bizarre quarantine science fairs & fashion shows.
We can smell Aunt Gayle’s cat’s litter boxes just thinking about it! Between her over-the-top romances and paranoia, Linda’s eccentric sister Aunt Gayle would be a wreck during stay-at-home. She would make us miserable with her conspiracy theories and sappy soap operas, not to mention those unfriendly cats.
Ollie & Andy Pesto
Annoying, hyper Ollie & Andy are the gross kids on Bob’s Burgers who don’t wash their hands and are always loud & obnoxious. Perhaps we could keep them occupied with finger painting.
It might seem fun to be stuck in quarantine with a guy who can make pizzas – except it’s established on Bob’s Burgers that Bob’s archnemesis and main business competition Jimmy Pesto can’t cook. Listening to ego-fueled speeches about how Jimmy’s the best would make for a long quarantine.
Bob’s Burgers’s established drama queen and mean girl Tammy Larsen would attempt to make us her unpaid personal servants. We’d end up stuffing her into a giant papier-mâche head like in the Belchers-catered party episode.
We know Edith would charge us ten bucks whenever we wanted to borrow her art supplies – and then say no! The curmudgeonly owner of the art shop in Bob’s Burgers would be toward the bottom of the list of cast members to be stuck with.
Our least favorite pick, cheap, scheming landlord Mr. Fischoder would raise our rent. If we wanted to lower it back down, he would make us play a dangerous game. Heaven help us if his brother were involved! In this case, it would be better just to hide in the treehouse.