Florida Man gone stir-crazy: The strangest headlines from 2020
Ah, Florida Man! When will he stop giving us entertaining headlines about his shenanigans? (Probably if Florida changes its arrest reporting laws, which is the reason we get so many Florida man headlines in the first place).
2020 was a stressful year for everyone, Florida people included. These headlines just show how broken Florida Man and Florida Woman are about this year. It’s like they snapped or something!
Here are our favorite 2020 headlines, proving that Florida Man & Florida Woman need a break!
Run fatass, run!
A Florida Man on a tractor got into a little disagreement with one of his neighbors. It’s not clear what it was about from the video. However, there’s nothing like seeing Florida Man chase his neighbor on a giant tractor screaming “RUN, FATASS, RUN!”
The 72-year-old Florida Man, Howell Lamar Morris, began his argument over a property dispute. Then, it escalated when Morris climbed in his tractor and started driving towards the neighbor, intent on running him over.
Florida Woman wants extra dipping sauce
If you thought Rick & Morty fans acted crazy about the Schezuan sauce at McDonald’s, wait until you read about this Florida Woman! A Florida Woman, Maguire Marie McLaughlin, was arrested for threatening to get her chicken nugget sauce “by any means necessary.” That crazed look in her eyes in her mugshot tells us she wasn’t kidding.
The problem started when McLaughlin asked for extra dipping sauce with her McNuggets. The cashier at the counter told her it would be twenty-five cents per extra sauce packet. This Florida Woman wasn’t lovin’ it, and a fight ensued. When she cussed out the entire McDonald’s and threatened to rob the place, cops were called.
The most magical place on earth to camp
Someone was really disappointed that Walt Disney World closed due to coronavirus. Or maybe this Florida Man just saw a golden opportunity to take the camping trip of a lifetime. Unfortunately, for him, such magical trips end in a trespassing arrest and a lifelong ban from Disney.
Fans of Disney know about Discovery Island, an island in the middle of Bay Lake that used to be a wildlife attraction for Disney guests. It’s been defunct for years, COVID or no COVID. It’s also been a hotspot for urban explorers, but none of them stayed long enough to camp. Until now.
This Florida Man, Richard McGuire, planned to spend a week on the island, which he described as a “tropical paradise.” Unfortunately for McGuire, Disney security spotted him on the property and sent helicopters & search dogs to find him. Florida Man was not only arrested. He got a lifelong ban from all Disney properties, too.
The cure for coronavirus . . .
Unfortunately, it doesn’t exist at this time. Some brave Florida People think so, though. One Florida commissioner suggested that blowing a hairdryer up one’s nose could do the trick to cure the novel bug that caused a worldwide shutdown. He made the suggestion in an emergency meeting after seeing it on YouTube and since apologized.
Another no-no for trying to cure coronavirus is drinking bleach. After U.S. President Donald Trump made remarks concerning a possible cure for COVID involving bleach, poison control calls spiked from ingenious Florida People who decided to give it a try themselves.
Don’t fear the reaper
Some Florida people won’t let coronavirus spoil their trips to the beach. Worse, they party like it’s 2019 with no mask & no social distancing. Whatever shall we do about people who may not care that they’re spreading a novel, dangerous plague? Never fear, the grim reaper is here!
Attorney Daniel W. Uhlfelder decided to show his displeasure at the lack of social distancing by touring beaches dressed as the Grim Reaper. Uhlfelder went on his tour to protest the decision by Florida officials to reopen beaches. He also sued the governor to keep the beaches closed until more COVID testing could be done.
Manatee Nuggets for sale
For the low, low price of $5,000, a rare chicken nugget shaped like a manatee could be yours! Inspired by a banana duct-taped to a wall that sold for $500,000, this enterprising Florida woman decided to put her art on an antiques & collectibles site to cash in on the artless-art fad.
The Florida woman, Melinda Britt Disbrow, listed her chicken nugget, called “Tender” for sale. Purchased at Culver’s, the work of art looks strikingly like the aquatic mammal. “Tender” can be displayed or eaten, though we think both options will have a short shelf life.
It wouldn’t be Florida without these guys
These Lee County, Florida people were trapped in an elevator cowering in fear from dangerous wildlife ready to eat them outside their door. What was it? An alligator, of course! However, it wasn’t a big, 20-foot gator. Nope, this little guy was about the size of a small dog.
The Lee County Sheriff’s Dept. was able to grab the gator and ensure no Florida people were injured. The gator made it out ok, too.