“I don’t like sand”: A coarse ranking of the worst ever ‘Star Wars’ moments
Last month was kind of a big deal for Star Wars. Not only did it mark the 38th anniversary of The Empire Strikes Back (released May 21, 1980) and the 41st anniversary of A New Hope (released May 25, 1977), but May 25th last year also marked the highly anticipated release of Solo: A Star Wars Story.
The prequel followed the exploits of young space stud Han Solo (Alden Ehrenreich) and featureed an all-star cast including Emilia Clarke (Game of Thrones), Woody Harrelson (Zombieland), Phoebe Waller-Bridge (Fleabag), Thandie Newton (Westworld), and Jon Favreau (Iron Man). Like everyone else in the known universe, we were most excited to see Donald Glover (Atlanta) depict legendary charmer Lando Calrissian. All-star critics and all-star audiences were less than impressed, however.
We’re not here to rain on anyone’s parade, but all this delving into Star Wars’s past has made us reflect on some of the less-than-enjoyable moments offered up by the extended cinematic franchise of the legendary space opera. Sometimes loving something means admitting to its many flaws, so please embrace those fuckups with us as we rank the ten worst ever Star Wars moments (so far).
10. The Casino Scene: The Last Jedi
We’re not going to get into all the controversy of The Last Jedi because honestly, y’all need to get a serious grip about what the fictional universe actually owes to its fans. (Not a thing!) What we will say is the scene in which Finn & Rose free a batch of adorable animals from some greedy crooks is full of prequel-esque levels of cringe and adds absolutely nothing to the movie (unless you paid money to see it just on the possibility some cute animals might be involved. In which case: jackpot!
9. No medal for Chewbacca: A New Hope
Proving that discrimination even happens in a galaxy far, far away, everyone’s favorite ombré-haired wookie was definitely serving up some serious heroics alongside Han (Harrison Ford) and Luke (Mark Hamill) and yet Chewie is forced to stand there at the end of A New Hope pretending to be happy that his pals get medals instead of him. That shit just ain’t right, friends! #JusticeForChewie
8. CGI Grand Moff Tarkin: Rogue One
Look – we all love Grand Moff Tarkin, but the best way to pay tribute to the character and the late, great Peter Cushing (The Curse of Frankenstein) who portrayed him most certainly should never have involved some schlocky CGI rendering of him in the first Star Wars spinoff.
7. Leia kisses Luke: The Empire Strikes Back
It happened long before anyone knew they were actually twins – including (potentially) Lucas – but still his brief moment of incest is super awkward to watch to this day. Oedipus it ain’t – we don’t care for it at all.
6. “Now this is podracing!”: The Phantom Menace
Impossible to hear without immediately wanting to throw yourself head first into a podracer engine, the enthusiastic statement blurted by little Anakin Skywalker (Jake Lloyd) is rightfully a subject of universal mockery and loathing to this day.
5. Jar Jar gives Palpatine emergency powers: Revenge of the Sith
You’re likely well aware of that fan theory regarding Jar Jar being a secret Sith lord himself. Personally, we don’t think the character should be given quite so much weight within the films he appears in, but if you do have to believe something to make sense of this bullshit scene, it may as well be that. Because the reasoning that Jar Jar is just too big a clutz to not grant special powers to Palpatine is deserving of every facepalm on the planet.
4. The Battle of Endor: Return of the Jedi
A bunch of furry little hippies manage to defeat a heavily armed military force with nothing but tripwires, rocks, sticks, and confident cheeky grins? Sure, okay. Not sure why Stormtrooper armour is so shoddy, but whatever!
3. The funniest scream in the history of everything: Revenge of the Sith
Be right back – off to make this unemotional slow yell the official Film Daily ringtone for whenever a message about essential overtime is received. It’s easy to forget this scream is supposed to be in response to the newly born Vader hearing that Padme is dead and not that he’s left his phone somewhere daft like a roadside diner or a seat on the L train. It’s an absolute joke (but we kind of secretly, awfully love it).
2. Jar Jar Binks generally doing anything: The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, Revenge of the Sith
It goes without saying that obnoxious and pointless Jar Jar (Ahmed Best) is pretty high on the list. It isn’t just that his loud, zany demeanor is about as fitting for the universe as a guest appearance from Rosie O’Donnell would be. It’s also that Jar Jar is such a heinously racist Jamaican stereotype that the character may as well rock some ganja, join a bobsleigh team, and get to skankin’ while he’s at it.
1. “I don’t like sand”: Attack of the Clones
In fairness, ya boi Anakin (Hayden Christensen) isn’t exactly wrong – sand is “coarse, rough, and irritating” and if you sit on it for too long in a skimpy bathing suit it definitely does “get everywhere”. But why is this line in the movie? What the hell does it mean in relation to anything? And why is Padme (Natalie Portman) still horny for this fool after he woos her with his nonsense?! We may never know. His portrayal of the affair indicates George Lucas may never have dated and was in an arranged marriage.