Do HR ‘The Ellen DeGeneres Show’ way: A questionable guide
So you’ve joined the sexy, unregulated world of Human Resources (HR).
“But wait!” You might exclaim. “Sexy? I thought this job was about helping out with company management and employee development.”
A question that silly would normally call for immediate dismemberment, but here at NBC’s The Ellen DeGeneres Show, we prefer to place all dissenters in the Sarlacc pit.
(Any similarities between the Sarlacc pit and Star Wars are completely accidental. In this instance, “Sarlacc” is the DJ name of a white guy from Silver Lake who plays either one EDM song or 20 EDM songs (we honestly can’t tell; they all sound the same) on a continuous loop. Dissenters must remain upright for at least 20 hours or DJ Sarlacc will bring out the taser.
HR at The Ellen Degeneres Show is a bit like vacationing at Jurassic Park. Everyone is screaming, everyone is running, everyone is questioning what previous life decisions brought them here.
As we said, it’s very sexy.
With that in mind, we’ve decided to offer this exclusive, never-before-seen peek into our employee handbook. Skip past the health insurance benefits section (that doesn’t apply to you or 90% of the staff), and let’s get into it:
Follow the rules. Don’t stray from the path. Avoid eye contact.
And just to start off, no we will not tell you what the rules are.
The rules in sexy HR are very similar to sexy Fight Club. We won’t really get into what they are, but just know that we have them. And they are loosely enforced.
At The Ellen DeGeneres Show, rules are very similar to the ancient Greek concept of weighing souls: your actions, your mistakes, and your failings are placed on a scale and must remain lighter than that of a single feather to ascend to heaven. Only instead of a feather, we measure your actions against one of those old “12 Days of Giveaways” boxes we have leftover from 2014. Most of the food is rotten and it weighs at least 14 pounds.
To be honest, you were already predestined to fail.
Just know that when you fail, you will be punished through a series of passive-aggressive comments and behaviors that will slowly chip away at your desire to live. It is very similar to the creepy bugs from 1999’s The Mummy that burrow beneath the skin to suck out a person’s flesh. Life here will feel like slowly draining you of your life force, but hey, it might end up making you lighter than a feather after all.
Always be more charming than a lawsuit
The #MeToo movement taught us many things. It taught us absolute power corrupts absolutely. Even more important, it taught us a rationing system between gender in Hollywood; namely, the testimony of one woman is not enough. Neither is the testimony of two women. Or three. The approximate scale is more like one man is equal to about 37 different women.
It has also taught us that if you are charming, you can generate revenue. And if you can generate revenue, you outweigh any potential losses from lawsuits.
That is truly the golden rule of working Hollywood HR: ensure that the talent you are protecting understands they are only safe from the horrible consequences of their actions if they maintain the unhinged charm and enthusiasm of Mickey Mouse on cocaine.
Be animated, be charming, or be treated like any other peasant.
Laugh at the joke, don’t tell the joke
I know what you’re thinking: ‘I’m an improviser, I’m a standup comedian (at open mics).’
Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement, I kinda lost track of where we were working. But being this is The Ellen DeGeneres Show, and it is hosted by an actual standup comedian, with guests that are either incredibly funny or written to be, you’ve got to ask yourself one question: ‘Do I feel funny?’ Well, do you, punk?
Basically, don’t be funnier than Ellen.
Otherwise, it’s a one-way trip to the Sarlacc pit.
When in doubt, dance
Do you remember in 1984’s Footloose, when Kevin Bacon has to stand up in front of John Lithgow to justify why dancing is not actually a crime, on par with murder and money laundering?
Ren (Bacon) gave an impassioned speech before the town committee proclaiming, “Ecclesiastes assures us . . . that there is a time for every purpose under heaven. A time to laugh . . . and a time to weep. A time to mourn… and there is a time to dance. And there was a time for this law, but not anymore. See, this is our time to dance.”
The film ended with a huge musical number and the music of Kenny Loggins, and that movie remains one of the best teen movies to come out of the 80s. (Suck it, John Hughes!)
At The Ellen DeGeneres Show, we have maintained a similar mentality.
On the NBC lot, there is a time to mourn and a time to dance, and they frequently take place at the same time. Disapproval or dissent is not tolerated on company premises, and the employee handbook forbids words such as “overtime,” “nonsensical,” or “verbal abuse.”
Instead, if you have any issue to take up with your supervisor, you may express your rage and frustration through the medium of dance. As a result of this new policy, we have the lowest employee complaint record of any other NBC Universal property.