Get well John Mulaney: Celebrate the comedian with his funniest quotes

Comedian John Mulaney reportedly checked himself into rehab on Monday for sixty days for alcohol & cocaine addiction. The thirty-eight-year-old star has been quite vocal about his drug use before, explaining in an interview with Esquire that drinking is what led him down the path to other drugs. Like many though, quarantine really took a toll on him and made matters worse. 

“Unfortunately he has struggled again during the pandemic. He’s on board with his recovery, he’s not fighting against rehab”, a source told Page Six. “John’s friends and family are happy that he’s finally getting some help and focusing on his health.”

The concerning news revolving around Mulaney was met with immediate warmth & support from his fans all around the world who sent support & well wishes for recovery. While we’re also hoping he gets better soon, we wanted to celebrate all the years he’s made us laugh by highlighting some of his best & funniest quotes.

“I wish I could go tell twelve-year-old me . . . don’t worry that you just fainted in front of all the girls, one day you’ll be able to make this into an episode of TV”

Kicking off this list, we have this iconic quote from John Mulaney – not only is it hilarious, it’s incredibly inspiring as well. Who knew that the awkward young boy that Mulaney always mentions he once was in his stand-ups & skits would grow up to be a star loved by millions of people? We love that for him. 

“It was so beautiful today that I only watched four hours of Law & Order in my apartment”

If you were to describe what John Mulaney’s humor was like in only a few words, the word “relatable” would definitely be one of them. Come on! Who can’t resist staying in to binge on hours of TV despite it being a beautiful day outside?

“I am very small and I have no money. So you can imagine the kind of stress that I am under” 

Have we mentioned yet the man was incredibly relatable? Exactly, John Mulaney. Exactly. He just gets it.

“Girl Scout cookies are delicious! They come in Thin Mint and Samoa and also other flavors. How come I have to know a child in a beret to order them? Just sell me the cookies. I have American money. Just put them in a store and I’ll buy them”

Now that he mentions it, the comedian does make a valid point. Why can’t the Girl Scouts just sell their delectable cookies in supermarket aisles? Why are they only seasonally available? Wouldn’t they make more money this way? We demand answers now! 

“I always thought that quicksand was gonna be a much bigger problem than it turned out to be. You watch cartoons and quicksand is like the third biggest thing you have to worry about, behind the actual sticks of dynamite and giant anvils falling on you from the sky”

Admittedly, cartoons & shows from our childhood really did make quicksand our worst fears growing up. Then, we became adults and realized: where the heck’s the quicksand they were always warning us about? They should’ve just prepared us for taxes & politics . . .

“College was like a four-year game show called ‘Do my friends hate me or do I just need to go to sleep?’”

Ahh, the awkward yet enlightening years of discovering ourselves that we call college. Full of sleep deprivation, new friends, and memorable times. Who could forget?

“Thirteen-year-olds are the meanest people in the world. They terrify me to this because eighth graders will make fun of you but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you”

We’ve all met at least one despicable child in this world that was just a little too honest with how they felt about us. Blunt thirteen-year-olds really are the true menaces of society.

“You all have a relative who is an expert even though they really don’t know what they’re talking about”

Yes, we’re talking to you, Uncle John, who always drinks a little too much at family gatherings and begins trying to butt into every conversation despite knowing absolutely nothing substantial about the topic. 

“I can’t listen to any new songs. Because every new song is about how ‘tonight is the night’ & ‘we only have tonight’. That is such 19-year-old horseshit. I want to write songs for people in their 30s called ‘Tonight’s no good. How about Wednesday? Oh, you’re in Dallas Wednesday? Let’s not see each other for eight months and it doesn’t matter at all’”

Don’t you just love being an adult and turning absolutely bleak & pragmatic? We understand you, John Mulaney. We really do.

“My vibe is like, hey you could probably pour soup in my lap and I’ll apologize to you”

Finally to top it off, we got a short & simple one, but probably the funniest & most relatable one yet. 

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We’re sending our best wishes to John Mulaney for a speedy recovery and hope things only look up for him from here on out. What are some of your favorite quotes from the beloved comedian? Let us know in the comments!