Gothtober fails: Horror movies too bad to finish
Forbes released a list citing the top ten horror movies Netflix users found too scary to finish a little while back. Ranging from gross-out flicks like our personal fave Raw to the shock-factor movies such as The Human Centipede II: Full Sequence, it seems the feature most likely to get those fingers twitching is gore, and lots of it.
While this is interesting and all, it probably comes as no surprise that movies made specifically to shock and disgust led viewers to switch the off button. Some people just can’t hack it. However, for horror junkies, the only true offense to be felt from a genre flick is lack of quality.
We’ve all watched palpitation-inducing movies, but what about the ones that are just so crappy, they’re actually unbearable? Surely that’s the spookiest thing of all – a horror so bad, it’s impossible to watch from start to finish. Just get a load of these:
Slaughtered Vomit Dolls (2006)
Directed by a guy who calls himself Lucifer Valentine, Vomit Slaughter Dolls is the film equivalent of heroin addicts mainlining desomorphine-spiked fentanyl in a desperate attempt to feel high. But just remember, no matter how desperate you get for that horror-themed fix, don’t bother sinking as low as watching this movie with its non-plot. It won’t satisfy and you’ll most likely just be left with a depressing comedown.
Forget Me Not (2009)
The name of this film should’ve been changed to Forget Me Quick, because there’s no way you’re going to want to remember having ever watched it. Filled with cliches and subpar writing, its only saving grace is that the characters are so unlikeable, you’ll enjoy watching them die (even if the death scenes result from the least threatening ghost in horror history).
This sequel is a hefty slap in the face to the original found-footage flick. Truly tearing the heart out of The Blair Witch Project, this movie took away all of the suggestive suspense and replaced it with horror tropes that stopped being spooky a long time ago. Witchcraft, creepy kids, spooky owls! Seriously, this launched the classic film into a boring, muddled mess of a franchise.
House of Wax (2005)
There’s one redeeming feature about this remake of the 1953 classic – watching Paris Hilton’s character die. Aside from that, this movie – about a group of teens trying not to die in a sinister house of wax – is full of uninspired dialogue, unbearable characters, and obvious scares. Basically, it’s a total snorefest.
Saw II, III, IV, V (you get the picture)
We know – this is more than one movie. But the point we’re making about Saw is it’s the perfect example of how franchises ruin horror films. The first movie in the new wave of torture genre was passable and unique, in which a pair of strangers must take part in a series of deadly games perpetrated by a notorious serial killer. But the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, and eighth? Well, let’s just say “I want to play a game” got real old, real fast.
A controversial choice, we know. But while we loved Bill Skarsgård’s pointy-lipped performance as Pennywise the clown, we can’t help but feel the producers took the classic 1990 Stephen King adaptation and filled it with the most accessible creepy clown imagery possible, rendering it a lackluster watch. Maybe the anticlimax was in part due to the movie’s outrageously OTT marketing campaign – never go that overboard if you can’t live up to the hype.
We’re wondering if “soultaker” refers to the fact that this film will literally suck the living soul out of your body. Starring Joe Estevez (The Roller Blade Seven) a.k.a. the budget Martin Sheen (The Departed), this flick about a group of teens who are stalked by a spectral man isn’t even so bad, it’s funny. It’s just bad.
One Missed Call (2008)
We could’ve dedicated an entire list to terrible American remakes of classic Japanese horrors, but we’ve decided to include this little doozy with a plot intent to make cell phones scary. Based on Takashi Miike’s 2003 hit Chakushin Ari, director Eric Valette (Maléfique) makes the cardinal sin of omitting all of the suspense from the original, which is perhaps why the remake was ripped apart by the critics.
The Happening (2008)
How many plot holes can one fit into a movie? A lot if you’re M. Night Shyamalan (The Sixth Sense) – the king of hit & miss cinema. The movie’s premise basically centers on people killing themselves using the most brutal methods, which is blamed on some sort of airborne stimuli. After the initial few deaths, the narrative descends into ridiculous scenes of the survivors on the run from “terrifying” gusts of wind. It truly is a disaster on so many levels.