All the classic horror films Rob Zombie *isn’t* remaking
Last year we were tickled silly by the dumbest, most egregious example of film rumors detailing how Rob Zombie had to issue a statement to reveal he is not working on a Creature from the Black Lagoon remake.
The trouble started when some journos dug up an interview from last October where the musician and filmmaker stated it would be “cool” to remake the horror classic. “One thing I always thought was possible was to remake Creature from the Black Lagoon. Because the creature itself, in that phenomenal suit they constructed, could be exactly the same. So I think Creature from the Black Lagoon could be a cool one.”
Whether down to wish fulfilment or people’s basic inability to check random “facts” found on the internet, the story somehow blew up online with people taking this quote as some legit green light. On Instagram he was forced to put people straight:
“Fake news. Fyi before people start asking me about this. I have no idea what this article’s about. I am not interested in developing this project. I think I said it could be a cool remake. That’s it. Ugh, internet.”
In the spirit of fake news, here are six other movies that Zombie definitely isn’t remaking anytime soon – but probably will at some point, right? – and what we think these movies will entail. Please also remember, none of this is real.
That’s right, it won’t be a remake of the OG classic by Alfred Hitchcock (Rear Window) but a remake of Gus Van Sant’s questionable shot-for-shot reimagining of the movie. That way, the masturbation scene can stay in. Sheri Moon (The Devil’s Rejects) would obviously play Marion Crane and Norman’s dead mother (in flashbacks!) and Rainn Wilson (Super) would take on the mantle of Norman Bates.
The film will be about 70 mins longer than the original to explore Norman’s fractured childhood and to investigate his psychological mindset with empathy and compassion.
Rosemary’s Baby (1968)
Won’t necessarily be a “remake” so much as an homage to Roman Polanski’s witchy occult classic.
The Firefly Family will rent a room at “The Bramford” and proceed to terrorize the occupants with occult parties, mayhem, and tutti frutti ice cream laced with GHB. Baby (Moon) will finally get knocked up with devil’s spawn, leading to the movie’s most iconic moment (and tagline) when the character will shriek “Baby’s having a baby!” before senselessly shooting a midwife in the head.
The Bride of Frankenstein (1935)
Sheri Moon plays Frankie’s bride on the lam after she’s brought to life in a world she has little interest in – and a hubby she could never love – and decides to bolt (pun intended). While on the run from her new life, Frankie’s Bride joins a clown cult and goes on a random murder spree with them before getting gunned down while saving a young girl from the normie hell of suburbia. Spring Break, forever!
Zombie’s edgy remake of the cult horror comedy will be short on laughs but big on kills as the circus clowns invade a small metal music festival with intent to capture, kill, and harvest the audience for sustenance.
The clowns manage to pass themselves off as a British grindcore band and their first song “Cruel to be Grind” moshes the crowd to a mush. Another successful mission, boys! Moon plays a renegade with a vegan food truck who knows “them British boys” are up to no good and tries to take them out one by one. She fails, but her falafel wraps are phenomenal!
A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)
A shot-for-shot remake of Wes Craven’s (Scream) horror classic except Freddy Krueger will be depicted as a misunderstood radio star killed by the arrival of MTV. Freddy tortures and kills teenagers not via their dreams, but by whatever music video they’re currently loving on the cable channel. Moon will play Nancy’s Mom – a hip video DJ who all the kids say is definitely “too cool” and “rad looking” to be a mother.
Wes Craven’s New Nightmare (1994)
Naturally, Zombie will follow up the film with his own remake of Craven’s meta horror which he’ll title Rob Zombie’s New Nightmare.
The film will follow Freddy continuing his slaughter but in the real world where he’s got a bone to pick with Zombie, his music videos, and his wife. In a kooky twist, Zombie will hire the supernatural killer to be his new SFX guy and Freddy will discover a new lease of life in squirting corn syrup everywhere and embracing video as a totally rad new art form.