Never give a Florida Man money: These headlines explain why
Oh, Florida Man. When will your antics cease to amaze us? We’ve seen him assault chickens. We’ve seen him dance on top of cop cars to exorcise vampires. This edition of Florida Man explores how the legendary icon handles money.
Florida Man hasn’t proven to be the most prudent type of person in general, but today’s batch of Florida Men especially don’t inspire confidence in their fiscal responsibility. Money in the hands of a Florida Man is a disaster waiting to happen and we’ve got the craziest money headlines to make you say “Oh, man.”
These Florida Men have questionable spending habits, to say the least.
The Florida Man with no conscience
Paycheck Protection Program (PPP) loans are designed to help small business owners weather the economic storm caused by COVID-19. The funds are supposed to be used to help business owners maintain mortgages and continue to fund payroll, among other things. Instead, some bozos are using the money for their own personal gain.
Obviously, this Florida Man is one such bozo. 29-year-old, David T. Hines fraudulently received a whopping $3.9 million in PPP loans and then spent it on things like a Lamborghini. Originally, Hines allegedly tried to qualify for $13.5 million to pay fake employees.
When applying for the loan, he claimed that he had at least 70 people on payroll. Of course, when they investigated Hines they found nowhere near that many employees. In fact, he wasn’t recorded to have filed any payroll information returns with Florida from 2015-2020.
The closest thing to paying employees that the feds found was a $200,000 per month sum that had been divided amongst 12 people. But hey, at least Hines seems to have spread the wealth to his mama. There was $30,000 in funds that were labeled “Mom”.
Unfortunately for him, the feds didn’t think it was cute. After discovering fraudulent activity from people like Hines, the FBI vowed to hunt down any other people who might try to defraud the PPP loan program.
Maybe don’t ask that
This Florida Man was caught with meth on him during a car crash, not once, but twice!
The first time Scott Ecklund crashed his vehicle, it was into a house in Winter Park, Florida. The 32-year-old wasn’t daunted by the mess he had made. He claimed he was an FBI agent, an identity woefully off base proven by the suspended license and meth in his crashed Chevrolet.
Ecklund had yet another car accident, this time crashing his Impala into another car. A Florida Highway Patrol trooper found meth in his car, this time along with a scale. Ecklund was reported to have asked the trooper if he could let him get away so he could go find some more meth.
It probably wasn’t the smartest move to let police know he was going to continue his drug spending habits.
That’s not PPE
This goof is another Florida Man who spent his coronavirus relief funds on something for himself. 35-year-old Casey David Crowther received more than $2 million dollars in coronavirus relief funds and spent it on a boat, specifically, a catamaran.
The catamaran cost $689,417 and was 40 feet long. The money was loaned to him in April for his roofing company. Last time we checked, boats weren’t required in the roofing industry. Crowther could spend up to 30 years in prison if convicted of his crime, so hopefully no other Florida Men are reading this and getting any dumb ideas.
Showered in money
Florida Man Alexander Sperber woke up one day and thought of a bright idea: he was going to become a comedian.
Naturally, Sperber headed over to a bank, threatened the bank teller by making a gun motion with his hand, and then frolicked naked in the streets. Sperber was said to have received $4,700 from the bank and then threw the stolen money into the air while he ran through the Fort Lauderdale streets naked.
Apparently he had a gag involving a pack of red dye planned too, but it’s unclear what he meant to do with it.
Unfortunately, food stamps can’t buy BMWs
Nicholas Jackson waltzed into a dealership expecting to walk away with a BMW. When the dealership staff informed him that BMWs did not count as a qualified thing he could buy with food stamps, Jackson decided he was going to get himself a car one or another.
Turns out the other way was grand theft auto the very next night. Jackson not only stole the BMW but the keys to 60 other vehicles. His plans for these keys are unclear but it sure would’ve given the salespeople a headache to find. Police apprehended Jackson after he ran out of gas. Apparently he didn’t have enough money to fill the tank.
Can’t get enough of Florida Man headlines? Check out our other Florida Man features you can facepalm yourself to.