Looking to get rich quick? Here’s how to start your own cult
You’ve just finished the newest cult documentary on the latest streaming service and you’re feeling a little inspired and sexy and free. Do you feel the rush of endorphins and a need for flowcharts emanating throughout your body? It must be the call to be a cult leader . . . and it’s time you acted on it.
Instead of having to run through countless trial-and-error tests, we crafted a list of everything you need to start your own cult, get rich, and have the best summer of your life! You should absolutely try these if you’re looking for a sense of purpose through the mess that is 2020, but please be respectful and use ours responsibly.
Identify what makes you special
So you want to be a cult leader, eh? We recommend first isolating what it is about you that sets you apart from the rest. What makes you a special flower – and everyone else just clusters of weeds? Once you’ve discovered that, you’re ready to begin the exciting quest to identify your brand and build your cult around that.
Let’s say you have really pretty eyes. Use it! Let your eyes do all the talking. Or maybe you’re really into horses, or you’re an adult who loves Disneyland; we can work with all that. Whatever you bring to the table, take it and exaggerate it until there is no question about the scope of your powers & influence.
Let’s talk about teachings
Some would argue all religions are cults. While we’re not here to argue for or against that, what we can say is if you want to get anywhere in the world of organized dogma preachers, you need something to build your philosophy on. (You can’t get by with only your good looks, darling.)
Pick a great book that can unite the people. The Bible is so 2007 – so we recommend checking out some of the titles from Reese Witherspoon’s Book Club list. Once you’ve got your text, the next step is to analyze it heavily. Really get in there with some annotated notations and highlight that text like you’ve never read any other book in your life – your passion is key to your success here.
Getting the word out
Now that you’ve got your special book, it’s time to find some people to be your loyal followers. Remember, you’re selling yourself as much as your cult, so put your best sandal-clad foot forward. Consider looking into a PR person or assembling a social-media management team of interns. College students are always looking to gain experience through internships, so let Gen Z do the work for you.
Another great way to get people to follow you is to conscript a really famous person in your cult to serve as spokesperson. Just look at what Tom Cruise and his teeth did for Scientology. That could be you!
Creating a sense of community
Now you’ve got the girlies together and they’re reading your book, it’s time to put the itinerary together. You’re in charge and you have some expectations to live up to. Remember what Vanessa from Science of People said: “Cults don’t sell dogma. They sell belonging. And so should you.”
Team-building exercises are always a great way to get the ball rolling on connection. Try “The Warm Wind Blows” and “Never Have I Ever” for fast success – and by lunch period, everyone will want to make friendship bracelets and do stick-n-pokes.
Wine and movie nights are also hugely effective in fostering a sense of community, as well as trips to arcades, minigolf, and hikes up ancient mountains for sacrificial purposes – whatever you gotta do to get people engaged.
Get that “cult look”
Finally, our last piece of advice is probably the most important. You as the cult leader need to decide the style of your group based on your brand. Cults have had great success in the past with matching outfits – jumpsuits are a little clichéd, but never go out of fashion – while others have gone for the scattered, emaciated look (which we don’t recommend). But it’s not about us – it’s about what’s in your heart.
If you really want to freak people out and get the locals talking, consider shaving everyone’s heads – or have everyone wear the same hairstyle. It’s all about having that effect that just says: “Yeah, we’re a cult – and what of it?”
Liked our tips and tricks? Keep this momentum going by watching Wild, Wild Country or Holly Hell on Netflix – hopefully to convince you otherwise.