HomeOur ObsessionsTwihard with a vengeance: All the K-Stew movies R-Patz would have ruled in

Twihard with a vengeance: All the K-Stew movies R-Patz would have ruled in

Robert Pattinson’s a certified chameleon on screen so he’s definitely up to the task: here are all the K-Stew movies R-Patz would have ruled in.

Twihard with a vengeance: All the K-Stew movies R-Patz would have ruled in

Listen up, Twihard! Ya boy Robert Pattinson’s birthday was on May 13 and to celebrate, we wanted to reunite him with his YA vamp honey Kristen Stewart.

No, we’re not setting up a gazebo draped with twinkling lights and putting on a spread of their favorite foods – our reuniting of the two actors is purely theoretical but it’s heartfelt nonetheless. As brooding vamp babe Edward Cullen and brooding mortal babe Bella Swan in Twilight, R-Patz and K-Stew shared the most lit on-screen chemistry we’re sad to say we haven’t seen replicated since.

It’s also interesting to note both stars have become quirky indie darlings in the past decade and have enjoyed a myriad of iconoclastic roles in some seriously surprising movies.

That got us thinking: imagine how much better some of Stewart’s already awesome movies could be if they also starred Pattinson! The guy’s a certified chameleon on screen so he’s definitely up to the task. We’re entering fan fiction territory here people and we’re totally cool with it. Here are all the K-Stew movies R-Patz would have ruled in (and who he could have played).

6. Clouds of Sils Maria (2014)

Potential R-Patz role: The personal assistant of the personal assistant

As Valentine in Olivier Assayas’s critically adored film, Stewart depicted an exasperated young woman dealing with the demands of an aging doyenne (Juliette Binoche).

The character definitely needed some everyday assistance of her own to survive that nightmare and we think Pattinson would have been perfect as her very own exasperated personal assistant, smashing his Blackberry in frustration as he’s sent on yet another errand for fresh laundry.

5. On the Road (2012)

Potential R-Patz role: Salvador Dali

Walter Salles’s adaptation of Jack Kerouac’s beat classic is packed full of sexually liberated artists dancing to jazz, drinking to jazz, and smoking those real nice jazz cigarettes. Salvador Dali wasn’t a part of the beat scene in the slightest but Pattinson did anarchically depict the iconic surrealist artist in the 2008 movie Little Ashes.

Honestly, what could be more surreal than placing a real-life character into a story where he most definitely doesn’t belong? He could have been smashing watermelons in the corner of a somber poetry reading or something.

4. The Runaways (2010)

Potential R-Patz role: Crazed fanboy

We’ve seen Pattinson do unhinged incredibly well in movies like Good Time and Cosmopolis so we know he can get seriously dark when he needs to.

Floria Sigismondi’s biopic about the iconic all-girl punk band is phenomenal, but it definitely needs at least one scene where Pattinson depicts a deranged fanboy in a leather jumpsuit begging Joan Jett (Stewart) to sign his pecs or kick him in the balls. It’s definitely not Joan’s vibe and neither happens. [END SCENE]

3. Café Society (2016)

Potential R-Patz role: An olde timey writer moonlighting as a waiter (just while he gets back on his feet because he’s totally going to sell that script soon)

Set in 30s Hollywood, Woody Allen’s romantic drama definitely had space for a lucrative R-Patz performance. One that could have necessitated four months’ worth of method work and ten pages of backstory just so the actor could cameo with a sensational performance of just four words: “I recommend the duck”.

2. American Ultra (2015)

Potential R-Patz role: Mike Howell (actually depicted by Eisenberg)

Look, we like Jesse Eisenberg and he shares consistently great chemistry with Stewart (as seen in Adventureland) but he isn’t patch on our boy Pattinson who could have played the small town stoner with latent assassin skills and some serious batshit tenacity and panache. Plus a potential British accent – always a pleasure.

1. Personal Shopper (2016)

Potential R-Patz role: The ghost

Olivier Assayas’s eerie masterpiece is a devastating meditation on mourning and a gut-wrenching story about the connections that remain even after a loss. But it could have also been about R-Patz looking ghostly and moaning creepily for the five brief seconds that a “spirit” is shown in the movie. We would have been into it!

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Amy Roberts is a freelance writer who occasionally moonlights as a hapless punk musician. She’s written about pop culture for websites like Bustle, i-D, and The Mary Sue, and is the co-creator of Clarissa Explains F*ck All. She likes watching horror movies with her cat and eating too much sugar.

amy@filmdaily.co