As is tradition: A treasonous ranking of royal brides in film and TV
Last year a questionable, Z-list TV star married a British dude who sponges off the state. We’re not entirely sure but we’ve heard it’s a big deal and people are going to be partying in the streets during it for some horrific reason. Grab your Union Jack flag and start waving it enthusiastically, because we’re about to get super regal as we rank the ten best royal brides (and weddings) ever seen on screen.
10. Princess Elizabeth: The Crown
Lizzy (Claire Foy) looks downright miserable while sharing her nuptials with Philip, Duke of Edinburgh (Matt Smith) and who can blame her? The two reportedly had a rocky time of it and honestly, that wedding looks stuffier than the average woman’s supposedly happy day. You should have bolted for the exits, girl!
9. Paige: The Prince & Me II: Royal Wedding
We really don’t know what to tell you about this straight-to-DVD romantic comedy except that it involves an American lady (Kam Heskin) marrying the newly crowned King of Denmark (Luke Mably) and it is absolutely dreadful. But it’s still somehow infinitely more interesting than the actual royal wedding that will be happening this weekend.
8. Mia Thermopolis: The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
Anne Hathaway’s lowest rent role involved a lot of jokes about terrible hairstyles and being way too uncouth to sit on the throne of Genovia. Still, she makes for a fairly badass bride even if it’s odd her bestie (Heather Matarazzo) and the former Queen (Julie Andrews) look like they’ve thrown their looks together at the nearest Walmart for her later coronation.
7. Willow: The Royals
The only time in royal wedding history when an “I do” is more shocking than an “I don’t”, Willow’s (Genevieve Gaunt) gaspworthy marriage to Robert in which she chose to become Queen rather than blow the whistle on his blackout during their nuptials is pretty terrific. Plus, every wedding should have Elizabeth Hurley (Bedazzled) in the background looking like someone just poured hot sauce down the back of her dress.
6. Marie Antoinette: Marie Antoinette
Sofia Coppola’s biopic of the infamous Queen of France gave us a stunning insight into the weird marital traditions of 18th century France. Marie’s (Kirsten Dunst) wedding to Louis XVI is awkward as hell (though she looks sweet and spectacular) but worse is the clumsy, vacant wedding that follows, leaving poor Marie unsatisfied and already regretting saying “I do” to the dude.
5. Juliet Capulet: Romeo + Juliet
Sure, you’re thinking that “neither the Capulets nor the Montagues were a royal family, so how does this possibly fit?” We’re glad you asked! You might have your versions of royalty but to us powerful mafia families like the Montagues and Capulets are the only royal families we give a crap about. Romeo (Leonardo DiCaprio) and Juliet (Claire Danes) shrug off the fatal feud of their respective family name to celebrate their young love and get hitched. Of course it all ends in bloodshed and violence – that’s love for ya@
4. Lisa: Coming to America
The John Landis (The Blues Brothers) comedy has its issues, but there’s no denying that the moment Prince Akeem of Zamunda (Eddie Murphy) waits at the altar for his arranged bride only to discover his true love Lisa (Shari Headley) is under the veil instead is probably one of the better royal wedding scenes in cinema history.
3. Buttercup: The Princess Bride
The most reluctant royal bride in history, Buttercup (Robin Wright) is forced into matrimony with the hideous Prince Humperdinck (Chris Sarandon). Thankfully the ceremony ended as we think all royal weddings should – with a dashing gatecrasher (the swoonworthy Cary Elwes as dear Westley) swooping in to save the day.
2. Blair Waldorf: Gossip Girl
Blair Waldorf (Leighton Meester) got the fairytale wedding of her dreams when she stepped down the aisle with Prince Louis Grimaldi (Hugo Becker). This being Gossip Girl, the whole affair naturally went tits up on Blair who chose to run away with Chuck (Ed Westwick) once she realized her Prince was a bit of a prick. Still, she looked amazing and the episode threw in one last tasteful royal wedding twist by depicting Chuck & Blair’s car subsequently crashing after being hounded by the paps. Princess Di vibes, much?
1. The Canadian Princess: South Park
Presenting an acerbic parody of Prince William and Kate Middleton’s farcical royal wedding, Trey Parker and Matt Stone (Team America: World Police) gave the world the most ludicrous royal wedding ceremony possible in the episode “Royal Pudding”. Butterscotch pudding is scraped off their arms and the bride’s arms are torn from her body and shoved into the prince’s anus, “as is tradition”.