‘Game of Thrones’ spinoffs: HBO’s hot picks for new shows
Word on the street is HBO producers Benioff & Weiss are working on three new spinoffs for a future Game of Thrones television franchise. George R.R. Martin’s sprawling, deep, epic low-fantasy book series The Song of Ice and Fire and associated works such as the prequel Tales of Dunk and Egg will surely provide fertile ground for the team to sew our tears their seeds.
Considering the fictionpocalypse that Game of Thrones became after the esteemed Mr. Martin ceased overseeing production starting with season five, we thought Benioff & Weiss could use a hand coming up with more watchable series. Here are FD’s picks for the GoT spinoffs we want to see.
The Great Westerosi Bake-Off with The Hound & Arya
“Eat every fucking chicken with us every Tuesday.”
Audiences are treated to good-natured ribbing and bickering in this traveling cooking competition starring our favorite duo on the King’s Road, Sandor “The Hound” Clegane & Non-Lady Arya Stark. Each episode ends in a special murder victim pie bake, costarring in-house pro chef Hot Pie for crust consultation.
Similar to: The Great British Bake-Off
Beyond the Wall with Tormund Giantsbane
“Smart people don’t come up here looking for the dead.”
It’s not only about fermented goat’s milk! Journey in the real North beyond the wall with famed adventurer Tormund Giantsbane, who shows how to survive the frigid conditions with not only panache but good humor, too.
Similar to: Bear Grylls: Face the Wild
No One Turns Away a Lannister
“Everything’s better with some wine in the belly.”
In such a big world, we must continue with at least one more travel show, this time with our favorite alcoholic john, Tyrion Lannister. We follow the jocular host as he samples the finest wines and whores Planetos has to offer.
Laugh along with Lord Tyrion as he gets captured while sampling crappy Arbor merlot the Inn at the Crossroads, gets kidnapped out of a brothel in Pentos, and gets kidnapped again on a ship to be a circus slave in Meereen – and escapes time and again with his film crew.
Similar to: Parts Unknown (R.I.P., Anthony Bourdain)
Braavos Heist
“To be honest, this is making me hard.”
Follow the incredible saga of Euron Greyjoy and his hand-picked crew of Golden Company swindlers and footpads as they plan and pull off the greatest heist in Planetos’s history: ripping off the Iron Bank of Braavos. Twists and turns await as this minute cadre manages to trick the greatest, “most secure” financial institution ever.
Similar to: Money Heist
Failing Upwards with Jon Snow
“We never should have left Winterfell.”
Jon Snow hosts this innovative show that turns the self-help trope on its head. The genially confused presenter walks you through all the steps he took to rise up through unwanted rank after unwanted rank from lowly Nightswatchman all the way to the Iron Throne of King’s Landing, where he sweats and cuts himself on the swords. The best source on what not to do.
Similar to: Queer Eye
GLOWWE: Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling Westeros Edition
“Don’t die for pride when you can fight for your blood.”
Finding her post with the new Kingsguard at the Red Keep doesn’t pay quite as handsomely as she’d prefer, Ser Brienne of Tarth takes a side gig hosting this competition show featuring the strongest women in Westeros.
Similar to: GLOW
White Fang starring Ghost
“Growl!”
The Jack London classic is brought to life starring Jon’s direwolf Ghost. Seriously though, they would never, ever actually do this since they couldn’t even make Ghost happen for the last three seasons of the show.
Qyburn the Science Guy
“If they can be wounded, they can be killed.”
Join Qyburn in his Red Keep workshop as he carries out and explains in patient, objective detail a different cruel torture or human experiment every week. Zombie warriors, raven-human hybrids, and wildfire wisdom await.
Similar to: Bill Nye the Science Guy
Reading Rainbow with Samwell Tarley
“I read it in a book.”
Generous host Maester Samwell walks us through the least reliable narrators of Westeros’s history, focusing especially on the ancient myths of magic and monsters to frighten children from Dorne to the Last Hearth. Snarks and grumpkins and White Walkers, oh my!
Similar to: Reading Rainbow
So You Think You Can Live? with Thoros of Myr
“We’re not butchers. We hang them.”
The Red Priest stars in this series in which fresh corpses wheeled in week after week compete based on their CVs to get raised for another chance. Bonus round for repeat deaths/resurrections – occasionally, the Lord of Light chooses not to intervene! Shocker!
Similar to: So You Think You Can Dance
Project Runway: Red Keep Edition starring Cersei Lannister
“You win or you die.”
Fashion icon Queen (?) Cersei judges this high-stakes fashion competition in which King’s Landing’s tailors literally fight for their lives to create the boldest, most impressive, most intimidating outfits the capital has ever seen. Each week, only one person gets to keep his or her head – losers’ heads are displayed in a fashion-forward display atop spikes lining the runway.
Similar to: Project Runway
Winter in Winterfell starring Lady Sansa Stark
“I’m Sansa Stark of Winterfell. This is my home and you can’t frighten me.”
Sansa stars in this soap opera sequel set in Winterfell Castle among the intrigue, drama, affairs, resurrections, (plot) amnesia, etc. that she has brought up from all she learned down South.
Similar to: Downton Abbey
The Biggest Loser Mountain Edition
“. . .”
Eat less or die! Laconic host Gregor “The Mountain” Clegane a.k.a. Ser Robert the Strong hosts this fitness show with a deadly twist: only the biggest loser of the week lives.
Similar to: The Biggest Loser
Meditation with the Three-Eyed Raven
“I can see things that happened in the past. I can see things happening now all over the world.”
Bran stars in this public-access show focusing on relaxation, breathing, remote viewing, warging into mentally disabled friends, and changing events that happened years before you were born with your mind.
Similar to: any garbage on the Gaia Network
Firebusters with Dany T
“Burn them all!”
Dany’s dragons dracarys the heck out of stuff in this entertaining spectacle. The Mother of Dragons takes viewer suggestions to burn/melt something different with dragonfire every week. Will it or won’t it burn?
Similar to: Mythbusters
Kama Sutra Sex Tips with Jamie & Brienne
“Geez, it sure is hot in here.”
Good thing it’s HBO – no else could air this one. We’ll be watching sidelong while throwing up in our mouths a little just like we did when Game of Thrones classily cut to another scene before we had to watch the giant and the one-hander get it on.
Similar to: something instructive on the Playboy Channel
