Is ‘Deadpool’ the most irritating superhero movie ever?
Ready yourself for more desperate gimmicks and irritating one-liners, because Deadpool 2 is out and it’s as annoying as the first. The oh-so meta superhero adaptation will once again follow the wisecracking mercenary (played by the eternally insufferable Ryan Reynolds) as he joins forces with three mutants – Bedlam, Shatterstar, and Domino – to protect a boy from the all-powerful Cable. Whether you’re groaning at the sheer thought of it or you’re quite literally filling your belly with chimichangas before heading to a screening tonight will determine how you feel about our stance on the first Deadpool – it’s an aggressively irritating shitheap.
Let it be known that the film is not without its merits – notably the gore. We can’t deny we enjoyed watching blood splatters, ripped tendons, and some dude getting turned into a “fucking kebab”. But the fact that this was revolutionary perhaps indicates that superhero superfans are disillusioned with what is good when it comes to film. When discussing the 2016 release, Vulture wrote, “The audiences who rolled into theaters around the world had, for the most part, never seen anything like this, and the end product’s filthy glee was gripping.”
What we saw was a superhero brutalizing his enemies while cracking penis jokes and the fact that audiences had “never seen anything like this” is kinda depressing – the film equivalent of forcing someone to listen to Katy Perry for ten years. Even the lowest rate rock band is gonna sound good after that attack of the senses. There is some kind of mad alchemy in Deadpool in that it’s both the most innovative superhero film in recent years as well as a touchstone for a drained genre. We’re here to explore this statement by discussing all the reasons Deadpool is just the worst. We would say spoiler alert, but it’s not possible to spoil a movie like Deadpool.
The lowest of lowbrow comedy
The opening scene sets the tone for the entire film. Throwing out more one-liners than Uncle Bob at a Bar Mitzvah, viewers are submitted to such low wit as “I’ve never said this but don’t swallow,” and, “Bad Deadpool. Good Deadpool,” as Reynolds takes out his enemies with a shotgun. Is it just that other superheroes’ attempt at humor is so piss poor that Deadpool is relatively funny to fans of the genre? Whatever the answer may be, we wanted to see him snuffed from the off. But not with a fast death. To make this film anything other than a fingernail to chalkboard competition, we’d need Deadpool sat in a chair as his teeth are slowly pulled out by the bad end of a hammer – Oldboy style – to finally put an end to the snarky comments. Yet even then, amidst the blood and pulled nerve endings, he’d probably quip, “My dentist always told me I shouldn’t skip flossing,” or something equally redundant. Perhaps the only dude who spoke any sense throughout the film was the skinhead supervillian with the unfortunate name when he spat, “Why don’t you do yourself a favor and shut the fuck up?”
Chimichangas aren’t funny
In the film as in the comic books, Deadpool has an obsession with chimichangas and for some reason it became a thing with fanboys. Why? Is that a funny sounding word? Is it because of the repetition of “ch”? Should a movie’s central joke rely so heavily on linguistically amusing digraphs? Here are some words: bumfuzzle, lollygag, taradiddle, snollygoster. Can we be Deadpool writers now?
As mentioned, we loved the gore. But there just wasn’t enough of it. Had they turned Deadpool into a horror movie, we might be inclined to enjoy the damn thing. At least we’d get to see some of the most irritating characters endure some well-deserved pain and suffering.
Deadpool’s relationship is about as annoying as a joke about avocado sex
They meet, she’s a prostitute with an abusive background, her hair gets long, they fuck a lot in many “amusing” ways (haha he’s giving her head whilst wearing vampire teeth – LOL!), then they get engaged. Give us a break.
Groundbreaking or mediocre?
Ultimately, we’ve got a jock with a gun and a samurai sword running about to the same old formula. Protagonist faces adversity. Protagonist fights bad guy. Protagonist nearly doesn’t win. Protagonist wins. As writer Jacob Shelton put it, “You know what’s exhausting? When a writer spends more time thinking of how their character can break the fourth wall (and say something snarky to the audience to let them know that they really ‘get it’) than figuring out how to write a cohesive story that allows said character to grow.”
Ryan Reynolds (X-Men Origins: Wolverine) has about as much edge as a buffed down circle and no amount of shaved eyebrows or meticulously trained weaponry skills are gonna change that.
Need we say more?