Why ‘A Quiet Place 2’ could be an epic fail

Proving that Paramount is keen to milk every last drop from the most popular proverbial udder of their film farm, a sequel to John Krasinski’s horror hit A Quiet Place is definitely happening. The first movie made more than $213 million at the worldwide box office including $134.8 million in North America, so of course this is happening. We can probably expect a computer game, lunch box set, and theme park ride to quickly follow, too.

Recently screenwriters Bryan Woods & Scott Beck (Nightlight) revealed to Fandango that the “fun world” of their movie means there are “many things” they can do with the story. Apparently they also have a ready made set of unused ideas from the first movie to play with.

There are so many discarded set pieces, too, just hiding out on Word documents on our computer. So, yeah, there are certainly so many stories you could tell. It’s just really, at the end of the day, who are the characters in this and what does this situation mean to that dynamic?

Woods also revealed he wouldn’t be against telling the story from the perspective of a completely different family, which could suggest Emily Blunt (Edge of Tomorrow), Millicent Simmonds (Wonderstruck), and Noah Jupe (Wonder) won’t return for the sequel.

Considering we enjoyed A Quiet Place about as much as standing on a conveniently placed rusty nail with our bare foot, we aren’t exactly cheering at the thought of another movie exploring the dense, occasionally confounding movie universe. Real talk: It’s probably going to suck. Here’s why.

We already know far too much about the creatures

There’s heavy-handed exposition and then there’s A Quiet Place, which used a variety of bold background props to loudly inform the audience about the creatures and their strengths. A series of foolishly printed newspaper clippings informed us that these underwhelming monsters (that honestly looked like Resident Evil rejects) are sensitive to noise and that the military tried and failed to destroy them.

Considering how noisy a printing press is to operate, we can only imagine all the staff (who were definitely slaughtered in action) would have used their final thought to wish they’d published this news quietly online instead. But, we digress. The fact we know all of this on top of what can actually kill them (a specific high frequency, shotgun blast to their soft spot, and the power of a family’s love, apparently) won’t make for a scary sequel.

The original conceit of A Quiet Place was vaguely scary because these monsters were mysterious and seemingly had no weakness. But now that we know they’re just some weakass bitches scared of audio feedback? They’re kinda lame. The horror equivalent of that one friend who refuses to enjoy live music because the noise hurts their delicate little ears.

That stupid nail will probably make a return

If we know anything about sequels, it’s that movie studios and the filmmakers who can’t fight against them love to rehash the same ideas from the first movie to ensure some modicum of success.

If you close your eyes, hold a conch shell up to your ear, and listen real intently, you can probably hear a deluded studio executive saying at this very moment: “Can we get the nail back for the sequel? Susan! Call the nail people. We need that bad boy for A Quiet Place 2.”

We don’t need another family

If the movie follows another family, it’ll just be a bland reworking of the first movie. Look, there was nothing wrong with the first film being a PG-13; there’s a place in the world for family-friendly horror and for scary films that will help breed the next generation of horror fans. The sequel can rated PG for all we care.

But if the next film follows yet another wholesome, dimple boasting, white bread family who can figure out how to fix a hearing aid but can’t figure out that they should probably live near loud running water for safety, we will absolutely lose our shit.

The universe isn’t actually “fun” or even that interesting

From the tiny bit of world building that A Quiet Place did offer, it didn’t seem like the sort of movie universe we’re dying to explore further. If anything, the movie universe felt like something from one of those episodes of The Walking Dead in which everyone just walks through some desolate farmland for 40 minutes staring morosely into the middle distance.

If they want the sequel to A Quiet Place to be good and explore new genuinely fun and interesting locations and characters, the film should center around some that provide genuine conflict to the main conceit.

Like a bunch of drunken, noisy punks who have figured out that blasting whatever racket they’re into in one room means they can continue drinking their 40oz in the other. Or an S&M dungeon where the threat of attracting the monsters with their rapturous noises is all part of their hideous kink. But no, it’s probably going to take place on another farm, isn’t it? Great.

Social media will again be full of people like “LOL, brought nachos to A Quiet Place. I’m so bad!”

We have absolutely no patience for this. You know it’s going to be a quiet movie. Stop.