‘Game of Thrones’ S8E5 “The Bells” recap
Since the beginning of Game of Thrones season eight, fan theories foregrounded one thing: Queen Daenerys Tagaryan (or Auntie Dany, if you’re nasty) broke bad.
Wherever you stand on that sentiment – disgusted much that the GoT writers spent seven seasons making a bold feminist statement only to dash it all to hell using the most tired of all TV tropes, the crazy, power-hungry bitch? – it’s not our place to talk about the politics of it all. We’re just here for the entertainment.
To celebrate Auntie Dany’s move to Dark Auntie Dany (probably with tips from Riverdale), we’re doing this recap a little differently. Here are all the deaths Auntie Dany caused this episode, and the relevance they’ll have on the finale next week.
Game of Thrones has been (bad) fan-fiction since season five, but we’ve all put a lot of time into watching this show, so let’s just stick it out for one more week.
How he died: Dark Auntie Dany was super pissed with her Little Bird when he blabbed about Jon Snow’s true heritage as heir to the Iron Throne. To show Lord Varys, Jon Snow, Lady Sansa, and Tyrion her worth, she sizzled Varys with another vengeful dracarys from the mouth of Drogon.
Why we should care: Varys was a significant character in earlier seasons, but his character rather superfluous for the past four seasons. He barely spoke in S7, but did manage to say a couple of interesting things in the last episode.
The Spider was the Perez Hilton of Westeros. Although he was a gossip, he was also a genius strategist and manipulator. Fun fact: Varys died on the self-same beach that Stannis used to burn people on. Must have been something in the water. Rest in ashes, dear tattle-tale.
Jon’s Snow’s balls
How they died: Whipped bad by his second girlfriend ever, Jon got unlucky in that she was also a ruler. Dude declared Auntie Dany “my queen” about five times too many, losing all relevance and his manhood in the process.
Why we should care: Jonny boy was the bookies’ favorite to take the Iron Throne. After becoming totally cucked, our money is now on the Three-Eyed Raven or Lady Sansa, neither of which is a very interesting proposition.
Tyrion & Dark Auntie Dany’s relationship
How it died: After Dark Auntie Dany caught Tyrion’s big bro Ser Jaime trying to sneak down South, she threatens to burn Tyrion to a crisp if he makes one more mistake. That didn’t go over great.
Why we should care: Up until now, Tyrion has been loyal to Auntie Dany – but even he can see she’s gone off the deep end. Something will likely need to be done about the Mad Queen, and Tyrion might be one of the only ones to help that come about.
Loads of innocent civilians
How they died: Dark Auntie Dany went on a murderous rampage after deciding to fulfill daddy’s dying wish and “burn them all”.
Why we should care: Now that Auntie Dany is living up to her Targaryen heritage, will Tyrion, Jon, and co. really let her sit the Iron Throne?
How he died: After a rough fight with Jaime Lannister, fatally wounded Euron attempted to console himself with the thought he was “man who killed the Kingslayer” with a couple nasty dagger wounds, even though we had no knowledge of any beef per se. Euron lived and died fooling himself about a lot of stuff.
Why we should care: Uncle Euron was one of the most arrogant men in all Westeros, rising to leadership of the Iron Isles and the Queen’s bedchamber to boot. He even killed a dragon!
How he died: Defrocked Maester Qyburn was killed by the monster he created: Ser Robert the Strong, a.k.a. Ser Gregor Clegane, a.k.a. the artist formerly known as The Mountain.
Why we should care: The fanservice of seeing the evil scientist dashed against the wall by his own creation was a pretty satisfying end, fitting justice for us viewers.
How he died: Tackled through a stone wall into a fiery abyss by his little brother, The Hound.
Why we should care: We’ve been rooting for the death of the vile Ser Gregor since season one. We thought his undead corpse would never be defeated – but we did have money on his brother to do the slaying if anyone could.
How he died: Ser Sandor Clegane sacrificed himself to slay his brother, overcoming his fear to plunge them both into the inferno below.
Why we should care: The Hound had a great character arc, going from selfish alcoholic to slightly more protective alcoholic. He was one of the best-loved characters (and best actors) remaining on the show. However, we always thought he’d eventually die by the hand of his mean bully of an undead brother.
Ser Jaime Lannister
How he died: Crushed to death below the Red Keep in his sister-lover’s arms
Why we should care: The Lannister gruesome twosome have been central to the plot since S1. We gotta say we were expecting a more grand death for the Kingslayer. Seems them Lannisters tend to go out with a meow rather than a lion’s roar.
Deposed Queen Cersei Lannister
How she died: Crushed to death below the Red Keep in her brother-lover’s arms
Why we should care: Queen Cersei has been one of the most power-hungry and straight-up evil characters in all Game of Thrones. Cersei has been a bit ignored in this final season as other character arcs get tied up, making her death seem abrupt and lacking the gravitas we were hoping for.
How it died: Burned all to hell by Dark Auntie Dany
Why we should care: With house prices on the rise in several areas of Westeros this winter, we’re predicting there’ll be some great development opportunities in King’s Landing in the coming months & years. Many of the newly available lots would be perfect for any survivors of Dark Auntie Dany’s wrath to build starter homes.