Let’s predict Ellen DeGeneres’s apology for being mean

Celebrity and influencer apologies have become a meme in itself thanks to cancel culture. There’s a certain formula that most people use in the hopes of convincing their audiences not to abandon them. Deviate too much and everyone might declare you’re insincere and ruin your career.

Ellen DeGeneres has promised to address what has been nearly a year-long controversy, when The Ellen DeGeneres Show begins again on September 21. Her friend Steve Harvey said she should just walk away, but apparently DeGeneres isn’t doing that.

So, we thought we’d flex our divination muscles a bit & see if we can accurately predict what’s going to happen. We feel like this won’t be too difficult.

Opening the show

DeGeneres usually opens her show in a light-hearted and excited manner, and while we think it could be powerful for her to walk out in a more subdued fashion this one time, we don’t think that’s going to happen. She’ll walk out joyously and begin what appears to be a normal & (vaguely) funny monologue. Then she’s going to do an emotional 180 on everyone and it’ll feel like mental whiplash.

She’ll take a deep breath & the audience will be dead silent. She’ll look at her adoring fans (what few she has left) and you’ll briefly wonder if you can spot moisture building in her eyes before she says something like, “There’s something we need to talk about”. Like a parent uncertain how to bring up a delicate subject with their child.

We then think she’ll say something along the lines of, “For months now people online have been spreading rumors that I’m mean”. While her voice might waiver on the word “mean” she will (at least for the moment) remain composed. She’ll then explain what’s been happening in such a way as to be mostly accurate & remove as much of the blame from her as possible.

Explaining

She’ll probably lay out the situation as rumors & misunderstandings – we think she’ll bring up being an introvert as an excuse just like she did in a letter to her staff. As for the accusations against her (now) former producers, she’ll say she’s shocked and can’t believe anyone on her show could treat people poorly.

It’s at this point the composure DeGeneres has been maintaining will likely crumble further. Another carefully timed sigh combined with building tears that are no longer able to be ignored – they won’t spill just yet though.

DeGeneres will then, in a weaker voice, say how much she hates being called mean – as if there’s anyone in the world who enjoys it. She’ll remind everyone of her “be kind” motto which definitely isn’t just a slogan, but a way she really truly tries to live her life. (It’s at this point viewers will really have to start deciding for themselves how much they want to take her words at face value.)

As she heads towards wrapping up the serious topic a tear may finally slip down her cheek. Or, if she isn’t able to actually get the liquid to evacuate her tear duct at exactly the right time she’ll just wipe at her eye, which will successfully convince at least 40% of the people watching there was a tear there that they missed.

Wrapping up

As Ellen DeGeneres begins to wrap up her monologue we think it will finally be time for her to say the words “I’m sorry”. However, she’ll have to do so in a very careful manner so as not to open herself up to potential lawsuits for knowingly allowing crappy behavior on her show.

So, the apology will likely sound more like “I’m so sorry anyone ever felt uncomfortable working on this show” and/or “if I ever hurt or offended anyone know from the bottom of my heart I never set out to do so and I feel absolutely awful just thinking about it”.

It’s at this point DeGeneres may well look truly broken & sad. Odds are the months have not been kind to her and she might let the professional facade disappear for a few moments just to elicit pity. However, when we come back from a commercial break, prepare for more mental whiplash as she enthusiastically announces her guest Tiffany Hadish as if nothing happened.

Our prediction

Remember, this is entirely our own predictions of what we think will happen when The Ellen DeGeneres Show returns to NBC later this month. We could be super off base (or maybe eerily accurate 🤔) but we’re just having a little fun here.

Why not give it a try yourself? Write DeGeneres a script for what you think she might say and give yourself a point every time you nail something.