Celebrities on Quibi: All the very worst shows on the platform

Quibi is the latest hot streaming platform, well actually no, they were hoping to be the latest hot streaming platform. Quibi, which is somehow shorthand for “quick bites”, looks like a hybrid between Netflix and the beloved app Vine. The app sports videos with a maximum of ten minutes in length, but with high budgets and celebrities galore.

Here’s the thing though, the app costs $4.99 a month and still has ads. If you want to go ad-free then you’ll be paying $7.99 a month – that’s how much the lowest tier of Netflix cost in 2018. Quibi has since blamed their lackluster launch (which took place on April 6th of 2020) on the pandemic. You know, the global event which has caused everyone to search for more entertainment because they’re stuck at home . . . 🤔

It looks as if Quibi was banking on fandom to get people sucked in. They figured if you found out your favorite celebrity was making content exclusive to the app, then you would sign up and hand over your credit card number, no questions asked. However, hardcore stans apparently come in fewer numbers than the app executives expected.

Not that anyone feels as if they’re missing out – the app’s shows aren’t very different to the things you can already watch elsewhere & on screens bigger than your phone. We’ve compiled all the most lackluster series on the app, so you can assure yourself you’re better off using that $4.99 on a latte.

Chrissy’s Court

The show stars Chrissy Teigen and her mom as the judge and bailiff respectively. The trailers seems to allude that she’s actually presiding over real small claims court cases and is providing legally binding decisions. But she has no law training and the whole thing seems to be a string of jokes. We recommend you just go watch some Judge Judy if you need to see some televised court – at least she’s a real judge.

Dummy

This spliced up movie stars Anna Kendrick and Donal Logue. The movie is about Anna Kendrick’s character, who wants to become a writer, and her boyfriend. Oh, and her boyfriends sex doll. Yeah. It’s the kind of weird nobody needs in their life, no matter how much you like Kendrick.

Thanks a Million

This one left us with a lot of questions. The stars in this series are Kristen Bell, Tracy Morgan, and Jennifer Lopez (and possibly more). The show features a celebrity who gives $100,000 to someone in need. We started off strong here, despite the confusing title which sounds as if it should be “thanks one hundred thousand”.

However, then the person who was given this money is supposed to split it and give it to someone else. And then the person who got $50,000 is supposed to do the same, and so on. Not to mention there’s taxes lurking in there somewhere.’

It sounds incredibly awkward to give money to someone in need and then ask them to give half of it to someone else, when you’re clearly in a position capable of just helping both of those people yourself – but hey, whatever. We’re just going to go watch some Make a Wish videos because there’s no strings attached in those.

Nikki Fre$h

Nicole Richie (who we didn’t know actually still did things) has a Quibi show too. Where she becomes a rapper by the name of Nikki Fre$h and makes music in a genre of her own making called “parent trap”. Her raps are meant to be educational and woke.

Agua Donkeys

This show, created by Funny or Die, follows two pool cleaners looking for the perfect tan and a perfectly balanced pool. It’s been described as a Californian Napoleon Dynamite, but the duo also give off some strong Bill and Ted vibes, so we suggest just watching those movies instead.