Here’s why #Netflix doesn’t want you to try the #BirdBox challenge at home
Netflix dominated movie news as we entered 2019, with two December releases going down as some of the most memeable films of 2018. We’re huge fans of everything inspired by Black Mirror: Bandersnatch, as it’s totally easy to throw a “kill your dad/kick him in the nuts”-type decision onto a pre-existing movie, and 9 times out of 10 it’s wholesome and hilarious.
The Sandra Bullock Netflix vehicle Bird Box has inspired another craze on the other side of the spectrum, a challenge that makes it clear some people on the internet just can’t wait to hurt themselves.
During the movie, Bullock travels with two children, known only as Boy and Girl, with blindfolds fastened securely over their eyes. In the world of the film, the human population has been decimated by an unknown force, a creature said to drive you mad if you so much as glimpse it out of the corner of your eye.
Witnesses to the hideous creatures have been reported as going on rabid killing sprees or even killing themselves. With the population plummeting fast, it took our hero Sandra Bullock all the courage she could muster to don her least stylish scarf and brave the terror that awaited her without the use of her sight. Now some of y’all are taking it upon yourselves to do the same in your own living rooms, or even on the streets.
Needless to say, it’s all dumb as hell, and we’re going to go ahead and urge you to start 2019 the right way. Stop doing internet challenges that are guaranteed to hurt you. Here’s why:
You don’t have the skills
Don’t even try to pretend you have the monster-dodging, blind navigation prowess as this year’s best scream queen.
Channelling all the best final girls, Sandy B. evades capture like Laurie Strode, parents the hell out of some kids like Ellen Ripley taught her, and blocks emotional trauma like the Elm Street dream boss, Nancy Thompson. Most of you just look like clumsy fools, and if you don’t start acting like you can kick alien ass, our species is gonna start looking pretty tasty to potential galactic invaders.
Social media can bite you on the ass
Oh, you’ve got a new job or promotion at work coming up? Congratulations! Just get yourself ready for your boss or potential employer to pull up that video of you throwing your baby into the air while visually impaired. Getting fired isn’t quite as bad as being driven insane by an Eldritch alien threat – but it can pretty much ruin your life to the same degree.
You’re already insane
If you think throwing on a blindfold and running around the streets is the perfect idea of a good time, we’ve got some potentially shocking news for you. We think the monsters may have already got you. Luckily you haven’t started your violent rampage yet but, as we’ve seen, it might be only a matter of time before the creatures start infecting your brain and urging you to go outside.
Sooner or later, others will be joining your cause, donning blindfolds, turning street corners, walking out on what sounds like a quiet street, and getting hit by the train that runs through your town.
Wouldn’t an A Quiet Place challenge be so much easier?
Bird Box has naturally been compared to another horror film this year that features a similarly sensory premise. This time, a family hides from an alien threat that relies on their sense of sound, so they spend their lives treading softly in bare feet and communicating in sign language.
Wouldn’t it be even more challenging, yet safer, to spend a whole day without opening our mouths? Guess that’s a little too hard for some people.
You don’t live in a post-apocalyptic world
As close as we’re getting, the world hasn’t quite fallen into turmoil yet, so unfortunately for you #Birdboxchallengers the streets are still full with cars, trucks, cyclists, and trains, all of which are just as dangerous as your average mind-melting monster if they’re going fast enough. Either way, the result is the same: you’re dead.
You can’t sue Netflix
We all know Netflix is just holding their breath for that one colossal klutz who redefines the meaning of the word idiot by injuring themselves or a family member so severely during the Bird Box challenge that they try to take it to court. As much as you might not want to admit, it turns out the monsters aren’t, in fact, real, and you can’t sue a corporation for trying to blindfold yourself against the ocular threats of a species that doesn’t exist. Sorry, ambulance chasers.