HomeNewsWe watched it so you don’t have to: ‘Star Trek: Picard’ is simply terrible

We watched it so you don’t have to: ‘Star Trek: Picard’ is simply terrible

We watched 'Star Trek: Picard' so you don't have to. Find out our thoughts on the latest 'Star Trek' spinoff. Here's what we thought about Picard.

We watched it so you don’t have to: ‘Star Trek: Picard’ is simply terrible

Why are we doing this?

Why is it necessary?

Why must we suffer. . .in such a specific way?

These are all questions we know the answer to, if logic is applied. 

1) We are not doing this. CBS is doing this. CBS is doing this, because money.

2) It is not necessary, but there is a chance that money will be made from it.

3) We must suffer, because money is involved.

CBS has recognized that it will never win in the streaming wars unless it lugs out the long-dead carcass of various Star Trek properties and brings them back, Frankenstein-style, in an attempt to increase its viewing figures, which is how we ended up with Star Trek: Picard.

It’s working. 

CBS All Access reported the month of January surpassed its prior record in February 2019 for subscriber sign-ups, largely due to the hype for Picard

According to TechCrunch, Picard’s premiere set a new record for total streams and led to the highest volume of subscribers to stream a CBS All Access original series to date. Picard also led to an increase in views by more than 180%, compared with CBS’s Star Trek: Discovery’s previous record for subscribers streaming a CBS All Access original.

We could recap the show, but watching a trailer gives a clear enough understanding of what the story is. Jean Luc Picard (Patrick Stewart) comes out of retirement, and there are explosions.

The Alex Kurtzman-created show follows Picard after he left Starfleet for a quiet life on the vineyard, but since this is Star Trek, the quiet life does not stay quiet for very long. The pilot features callbacks to Star Trek: Nemesis, and the series will feature all of our favorite Star Trek actors, such as Brent Spiner, Jeri Ryan Marina Sirtis, and Jonathan Frakes.

The show creators also made the decision to link it to the 2009 Star Trek reboot, because #synergy, so Picard is also handling the fallout of displaced Romulans after the destruction of their home planet. 

So why aren’t we happy about it?

Star Trek: The Next Generation had arguably one of the best finales in television history. There was no happy ending or final battle, characters weren’t getting murdered every 12 seconds, and there was no sense of finality to it.

It did not end with a bang or a whimper, but rather a game of poker. A continuation of the game they had played for years before and would likely play for years to come. Captain Jean Luc Picard (Patrick Stewart) joined them in its final moments, a first for the series, and the screen faded to black.

That finale was a promise they would continue the voyages of the Starship Enterprise. There would be more stories, adventures, and visits to the Holodeck for the Starfleet crew, even if the viewer was not there to see them. It was a sweet, sad ending for a sweet, optimistic show, and it was a fitting conclusion after seven seasons.

Picard is back, but not because he needs to be. 

ABC has an entire backlog of Disney content and promotional tie-ins to draw from, while NBC is launching a streaming platform that will feature gems like ER, Parks and Rec, and Cheers. CBS needs an edge, which means there will be a new Star Trek show premiering every year until World War III breaks out, humanity crumbles, and Zefram Cochrane finally gets around to inventing warp drive.

We have reached the transitive property of entertainment. Did you love Spock in Star Trek: The Original Series? Great, here’s the story of his unnamed adopted sister. Were you a fan of Data from STTNG? Well he has a daughter now! Just kidding, she died. But look over there! He has another daughter, conveniently alive and ready to advance the plot! 

It’s so convenient that everyone in these different families decided to pursue a career in Starfleet. Nobody in the Spock family ever thought to take up dentistry? Or copywriting? Or improv? In two years, if Picard doesn’t take off like it’s supposed to, CBS will trot out the untold Starfleet story of Jean Luc Picard’s distant nephew. He’s probably Belgian, and speaks with a Canadian accent, which makes as much sense as Picard’s dialect.

We understand that creating media in this day and age is almost impossible: the amount of funding it takes to get something off the ground requires it to be a success almost overnight, which means that show creators are looking for an easy sell, which means drawing from previous (successful) properties. 

It is getting exhausting to try and keep up. 

Star Wars is just the Skywalker family ruining the rest of the galaxy, while Marvel is little more than a factory of perfectly chiseled actors recreating the plot of lesser-known Stan Lee comics. Jurassic Park will keep on creating CGI monstrosities in what feels like a blatant violation of the Geneva convention, and we’re forecasting that Harry Potter will get the reboot in less than seven years.

Sometimes, a show creator gets it right. Westworld and Watchmen on HBO both come to mind as both a reboot and sequel (respectively) handled perfectly. Each program respected the original material while pushing the story in a completely different direction, but those stories are few and far between.

Until then, we have Picard. A program filled with amazing actors playing classic characters we love, at the expense of anything new.

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Molly Harris is a riddle inside an enigma, wrapped in feminine wiles, and nestled in a soft, human skin suit with a blonde wig on top. She arrived to Chicago from the wild cornfields of Indiana and spends most of her time talking about science fiction and glitter and puns.

mharris@filmdaily.co

Comments
  • Star Trek may not be for everyone, however it is clear there is a large contingent of people that do enjoy it immensely. I am also open to listening to opposing views. However your take is not from an intellectual or unbiased standpoint. It is simply a one sided personal attack. This does not lend you much credibility as a critic. Looking back all reviews you have of anything Star Trek, have a similar flow. If you dislike anything Star Trek why do you choose to continue slandering it? Move on, let it go and find something you can use your talent for…..

    February 3, 2020
    • CBS shill

      February 14, 2020
  • I like it. I guess that’s all that matters.

    February 3, 2020
  • It not looking like an exciting new adventure. It’s leveraging popular old characters and CGI as though it’s all spontaneous thoughts rather than the connective tissue of a well defined story/script.

    I love my Star Trek, but this show is a slow burn. It leaves me noticing all the errors and flaws.

    February 4, 2020
  • What a weird article..
    So many insinuations that it’s crap, but it seems that you just can’t explain why you think this is the case.
    For example, you say “So why aren’t we happy about it?” and then you prattle on for several paragraphs and veer totally off the subject, talking about Disney and other shows..
    Maybe, you did explain why you don’t like it, but if so, I missed it, buried in the random rantings.
    It’s like you were told to write an article about how bad the show is, but you just didn’t get around to the point, at all.
    As I said: Weird.

    February 4, 2020
    • Nothing weird about pointing out how terrible Picard is. What is weird is seeing CBS paid accounts like yours pop up to control the corporate narrative and shill for CBS All Access’ crappy product

      February 14, 2020
  • What family members Decided to pursue a career in starfleet?
    Daj and Sonji aren’t in starfleet. And we don’t even know if data created them or not.
    Picard has no family since generations
    And Riker and Troi’s daughter isn’t in starfleet.

    February 5, 2020
  • Totally disagree with this article.

    I believe Picard has perfectly captured the essence of TNG, and established a subtle link with much loved characters from the series very well.

    It’s a slow burner, but shows that it is very much a story led narrative rather than an serialised, complete story in one episode affair.

    I’m sure I’m not the only one who is very much looking forward to seeing how this captivating story unfolds.

    February 5, 2020
    • You are clueless about TNG. Also, there are tons of Star Trek fans who dislike Picard for its terrible writing, editing and storyline recycled straight from that dumpsterfire STD

      February 14, 2020
  • It’s 2 episode in and your calling it trash and dismissing it, have you not seen season 1 of the next generation, certainly not the best trek, but grew in to 7 seasons getting better and better.

    February 5, 2020
    • Four episodes in and Picard is definitely trash. TNG had the benefit of science fiction writers lead by the talented Michael Piller. STD and Picard have no talented writers, only hack producers

      February 14, 2020
  • so, basically, this is not a review of Picard but rant about revival of Star Trek.

    February 5, 2020
  • The only bad thing that Picard has produced (so far) is this self indulgent opinionated review. Its central gist is “if I like it,it is good. If I don’t then it is crap”.

    February 5, 2020
  • Seems like the author is calling this show terrible for no real reason. There is no real analysis or constructive criticism, just snark.

    February 5, 2020
    • Hard to analyse trash like Picard and STD, it’s pretty straightforward

      February 14, 2020
  • Pretty lame article, I’m not a Trekkie, but I have to admit, this new show brings a twist to the original series. It’s captivating and I can’t wait to see the following episodes.

    February 5, 2020
    • CBS shill

      February 14, 2020
  • You said…
    Absolutely nothing.
    I mean, SERIOUSLY nothing.
    18 paragraphs. Only 4 of them actually refer to the show, and even those are vague enough to suggest that the author may not have seen the show.
    7 paragraphs were about franchises and television networks.
    “Watching a trailer gives a clear enough indication of what the story is.” Does it, though? I’m wondering if that is exactly what you did; watch the trailer and write this “article” in 15 minutes total. This might explain the significant padding, and the marked lack of exposition or example.
    Hint: If you wish to review a show, watch the show. Then, write an article about the show.

    February 5, 2020
    • 1000 likes to this response.

      February 5, 2020
    • ““Watching a trailer gives a clear enough indication of what the story is.” Does it, though?”
      Actually it does. CBS teased the hell out it to build subscribers in advance to the point it ruined all the surprises that would have watered down the bad story, bad story telling and bad acting. Things like HUGH and 7of9 would have been fun jaw dropping surprises. Instead I was “setup” for an intelligent well paced story – we kept hearing how this was supposed to be slow build DRAMA – what we got was a mess. The story moves along and feels rushed and hollow, the characters contrived and dimension less. I don’t know who the hell this Picard is, but it doesn’t at all seem like the natural progression of the prior character we all knew and loved. Maybe it is dementia

      February 14, 2020
  • Apparently your jaded cynicism at the state of franchise entertainment in general has prevented you from seeing the actual content of Picard. Well done.

    February 5, 2020
    • She’s absolutely right. Picard is a trash show

      February 14, 2020
  • You are so wrong about Picard. First TNG didnt have a dramatic series finale because it went onto to movies. Second: Not every aspect of the characters live is shown in the eps. For example, Dahj and Soji might have be a result of Data and Maddox becoming friends in TNG ep Datas Day. This review is not thoroug or indepth. This is just touching the surface. TNG and Picard are both multilayer shows . This review doesnt even mention why Picard is back or how it ties Data, and that is one of the many layers in Picard

    February 5, 2020
    • She hit the nail on its head regarding Picard. It’s a terrible show

      February 14, 2020
      • IT IS terrible. I join in each week keep hoping it will improve, but I literally cringe with the dialogue and over the top acting. It is like Patrick Steward is channeling William Shatner

        February 14, 2020
  • Crazy notion, people can watch it and make up their own minds. Lifelong Trekkie and I’m enjoying it so far.

    February 5, 2020
    • If you were truly a fan of Star Trek, you’d hate Picard for being corporate trash. You’ve outed yourself CBS shill

      February 14, 2020
      • Gene would be turning over in his grave. I can’t believe they finally stooped to foul language.

        February 14, 2020
  • It’s crap.

    The Abrams and associate plague is killing entertainment. EP 3 was the last for me.

    February 10, 2020
  • I love Star Trek and have been watching it for 30 years. It saddens me to see this. The writing, story, character development and acting are all sub-par. The story pacing is wrong, I feel nothing for the characters. Patrick Steward, bless him, but I don’t know what happened. His acting in this is awful and it does not seem like the Jean-Luc I grew up with. Most of you people don’t understand the point of the article. The point is, stop taking what was good and killing everything it did in the past by making this crap. Star Wars is the same example. It will be used and beaten to death like a 2 dollar hooker. At least Discovery is more or less a new story, with the exception of Spock and to a lesser extent Pike

    February 14, 2020
  • I grew up on TNG, this show has no heart and is for dullards.

    February 14, 2020
  • “Picard” is not terrible because of ‘politics’. It’s terrible because, among other things, it’s horribly written, acted, edited, paced and makes absolutely no sense. I watched and cherished every episode of the “Original Series” & “The Next Generation” and “Picard” is simply not “Star Trek”. It’s an abomination.

    February 16, 2020

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