Please stop, Ed Sheeran: Singers who shouldn’t have become actors
Dear Hollywood: we really shouldn’t have to be saying this but please stop trying to make Ed Sheeran happen. The irksome singer-songwriter – who recently made his inexplicable debut as some sort of warbling campfire warrior in Game of Thrones – entered talks to star in an upcoming musical comedy from Richard Curtis (Love Actually) & Danny Boyle (Slumdog Millionaire). Every word in that sentence makes us feel queasy.
Little else is known about the movie, Sheeran’s potential role in it, or whether he’ll contribute to the soundtrack. In all likelihood, he’ll play some sort of a lovelorn crooner who carries an acoustic guitar everywhere and insists on playing insufferable whiteboy cover versions of hip-hop classics. Basically, we don’t need to know much more about this project to know we don’t want to have to watch it.
Moving swiftly on, Sheeran’s sad acting career got us thinking about other singers who should have kept to their day jobs. Here are twelve other musicians who should never have been allowed on a TV or movie set.
The former Spice Girl has exactly six lines in this one Sex and the City episode and she manages to deliver every last one of them as though she’s selling car wax on the side of the freeway (while somehow getting high off the fumes). She fared a little better during her brief appearance in Crank 2, but only because she had less than five words to say during her only scene.
We love Britney but Damn, girl – acting isn’t for her. Crossroads highlighted pop’s leading showgirl hasn’t got the chops to also lead a movie. Thankfully, she hasn’t been put in the same position since and has instead delivered some pretty terrific cameo appearances in shows like Jane the Virgin and Glee instead.
To the surprise of absolutely nobody, Vanilla Ice can’t act. However, if you soon happen to find yourself so bombed out of your head you want the dumbest, worst movie imaginable to ride your inebriation out on, his titular movie Cool As Ice is definitely one you should consider.
Our girl Ri-Ri is one of the most interesting R&B artists on the planet, but sadly her striking talent doesn’t translate into acting. In Battleship, the musician was little more than a stern face in a military uniform while her turn in Bates Motel as Marion Crane 2.0 was hardly killer. Hopefully her upcoming role in Ocean’s 8 as Nine Ball will prove she does have some acting skills to showcase.
From Justin to Kelly remains the first, last, and only movie of Clarkson’s acting career and for good reason. The 2003 movie is still considered to be one of the worst ever made and remains in the bottom 20 of the lowest rated movies on IMDb.
Fiddy’s attempt at his own 8 Mile – Get Rich or Die Tryin’ – sees the rapper ostensibly playing himself and failing miserably at it. The guy has less range than a spud gun and delivers lines like he’s ordering Happy Meals at a drive-thru. Still, people keep casting him in movies like Southpaw, Escape Plan, and Now You See Me 2, so apparently he’s killing it regardless.
The Biebs totally blew it during his guest appearance on CSI: Crime Scene Investigation as some blank anti-authoritarian who gets riddled with bullets during a strangely hilarious shootout scene. We’ll treasure it forever, but not because he was great in it.
Queen Bey is basically a perfect human who fails at nothing. Except for acting. While you might be thinking, “Hold up, she was great in Dreamgirls,” you would be correct – Beyoncé only really thrives when she can play a musician. Beyond that, she flounders. Remember her cringeworthy role as Foxxy Cleopatra in Austin Powers in Goldmember? Or as a psycho-seductress in Obsessed? Because we sure do and we wish we didn’t.
No matter what fim Jagger appears in or what role he’s supposed to be playing, he’s always just the singer from the Rolling Stones. Depending on your tolerance of bad movies, you should really give Geoff Murphy’s Freejack a watch to see exactly how bad Jagger can be.
You don’t know what hell looks like until you have stared directly into the cinematic abyss known as Glitter and witnessed Carey’s unfathomably awful performance in it.
Please don’t hunt us down and slaughter us Swifties, but ya girl’s performance in Valentine’s Day is as stiff as a dead snake (and twice as stinky).
The former queen of pop (sorry Madge, Bey stole ya crown) was great in Desperately Seeking Susan, but only because she was basically playing herself. Her performances in A League of Their Own and Dick Tracy were standard singer-turned-actor fare and perfectly passable, but in Guy Ritchie’s Swept Away? Yikes! Papa don’t preach.
Bey stole Madonna’s crown? Lol, bey can’t even reach the crown, let alone steal it.September 13, 2020