Actually funny dad jokes to make your friends groan

We all have that one friend that may not be a father, but has the humor sense of one. The minute that friend opens their mouth to tell a joke, you know you’re going to cringe and want to leave immediately after. They just don’t know what funny dad jokes are, and that’s okay.

So if you have that friend, please send them this article, so we can give them some actually good material to use. And if you were sent this article by a friend, we’re sorry to tell you that your friend doesn’t think you’re funny, but they want you to be funny and are trying to get you some new jokes. 

It takes guts to be an organ donor.

Is this pool safe for driving? It deep ends.

I once had a dream where I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. But it was just a Fanta sea. 

I have a horse named Mayo, and sometimes, Mayo neighs. 

When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be when I grew up. Turns out, identify theft is in fact a crime. 

How many apples grow on trees? All of them!

I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary. I still remember what I told him: “Mark, my words!”

What’s ET short for? He’s got short legs!

I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed. 

I invented a new word today: Plagiarism! 

If two vegans get in a fight, is it still considered a beef?

I was playing chess with my friend and he said: “Let’s make this interesting.” So we stopped playing chess. 

When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent. 

I know a lot of jokes about retired people, but none of them work. 

Someone complimented me on my parking today! They left me a sweet note that said “Parking fine.”

My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex. They’re watch dogs!

What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. 

What’s black and white, and goes around and around? A penguin in a revolving door.

A furniture stand keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.

Why don’t skeletons ever go trick or treating? Because they have nobody to go with. 

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they’re so good at it. 

Why are cats bad storytellers? Because they have one tale. 

You’re American when you enter the bathroom, and you’re American when you leave, but do you know what you are when you’re in there? European.

5/2 people admit they’re bad with fractions.

The rotation of the Earth really makes my day. 

I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that’s just nuts. 

The average person is really mean. 

I took my eight-year-old to Take Your Kid to Work Day. As we were walking around the office, she was getting more and more upset until she started crying. When I asked her why, she told me “Where are all the clowns you told me you work with?”

A cop came to arrest me for downloading all of Wikipedia, but I told him, “Stop! I can explain everything!”

Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams movie is Mrs. Fire. 

I made a playlist for hiking. It has Peanuts, the Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my trail mix.