Blessed be the booze: ‘The Handmaid’s Tale’ drinking game
We’re in the thick of S3 of The Handmaid’s Tale right now and we don’t know about you, but this season has been so relentlessly harrowing that we need a drink (or a few) to get through it.
To help you make it through all the galling episodes of this season (or any future rewatches of the entire thing if you’re a total sadist), we introduce our handy The Handmaid’s Tale drinking game. Fix yourself a tall glass of whatever your poison is (Tears of straight men, perhaps? Personally we’re all about a stiff gin, but whatever helps you through.) and let’s do this. Blessed be the booze.
Take a sip every time . . .
Offred / June has a flashback to her daughter.
Take an extra large chug if they look super happy.
Offred / June mentions her daughter.
By name or the power of suggestion.
A game of Scrabble is played.
And you think it actually looks like a great time.
Nick smolders in the background for an eternity.
Seriously, Nick? This is your contribution to everything?
Commander Waterford smirks like a creepy bastard.
At anything and everything – a chair, a woman, a clay pigeon. The guy is pure salt.
Spark one up yourself! If you don’t smoke, f*** it – start.
Serena shoots daggers at Offred with her eyes.
Check your privilege, girl! Have another smoke!
One of the Marthas throws shade at a handmaid.
Those kitchen queens are shady as hell, honey.
A pop song is played ironically.
Take an extra long sip if it’s not a beloved 80s hit.
The colonies make you feel more miserable than you even knew possible.
Pass us a shovel, ladies. We’re going in.
Aunt Lydia mentions God.
Raise a glass to the crazy bitch and enjoy that sinful slurp.
Aunt Lydia smiles but you know she’s up to something shady. (Drink as though she’s just made you a putrid green smoothie.)
Aunt Lydia tazes a handmaid with a cattle prod.
Take an extra sip if she’s having a great fucking time while she does so.
A hanging happens.
Add an extra shot to your drink if it happens to a character we know (and like).
A noose enters the frame.
Because you know that sh**’s going to be used at some point soon.
A handmaid is tortured.
Don’t stop sipping until the screaming is over.
A handmaid is raped.
Inexplicably not the most brutal part of this savage show.
A homophobic slur is made.
Make yourself a tall new drink if it happens to be accompanied by a scene of extreme violence against a gay character.
Offred looks dead inside.
Ofglen / Emily looks tired.
Make those very small sips. Drink like a bird! Lest you give yourself alcohol poisoning less than five minutes into an episode.
A woman does wrong by another woman.
Again, try not to knock yourself out with this one.
Moira is given more than one line.
Do a victory lap around your home if it happens to be a joke or involves some legit laughter.
Ofred / June sleeps on the floor instead of in bed.
Drink your hooch on the floor in solidarity.
Nick just stands there and does f***all.
What an ally!
Janine shows up and says / does something mad.
She’s a live wire waiting for water and we love her.
Commander Fred calmly reads the paper while Serena goes off about something.
Honestly, so savage.
There’s way more blood on screen than you’d care to deal with.
Or – if you’re a sicko like we are – not nearly enough blood for the violence depicted.
Offred / June pulls some classic white girl sh**.
Letting someone else take the beatdown for her mistakes? Rifling through the house of someone helping to keep her ass safe? Spitting out a smoothie that isn’t to her taste? Classic white girl shit.
Someone says “Praise be”, “Blessed be the fruit”, or “Under his eye”.
Or anything that sounds like similar religious nonsense.
A particicution happens.
Throw your empties into the bin like you’re launching a stone at a woman you’re secretly fond of.
A handmaid is mutilated for having too much to say for herself.
The grosser it is, the bigger the sip.
A really clunky feminist statement makes you cringe.
Chug those white male straight boy tears in solidarity to the cheesiness.
A handmaid looks shifty while crossing the path of a guard.
Take another sip if the guard almost looks at her but not quite.
Mayday is mentioned.
But nothing happens.
Someone almost escapes.
Finish your drink if they’re killed just before they make it out.
Take a shot everytime . . .
Someone successfully escapes Gilead.
Someone smiles unironically
Hold up, are those facial muscles doing what we think they’re doing?! It’s a handmaid’s miracle!
A character you like is unmercifully slaughtered.
Pour one out for the fallen, babe.
Down your drink whenever . . .
A series of extremely heinous events happen in quick succession.
A rape scene, torture sequence, stolen baby, sad flashback, mutilation, and public stoning all in the space of three minutes? Down it!
Nick does something useful (that doesn’t involve his D).