Want to cure your Coronavirus? Here’s what *not* to do
It’s in times of panic that people’s best and worst sides truly come out. While some may be feverishly buying up every last bottle of hand sanitizer with plans to sell it at a markup on eBay, others are buying extra toilet paper to drop off at homeless shelters. While some doctors are providing meaningful ways to prevent coronavirus, some impersonators are full of jokes.
In a world full of social media challenges, there has been a spark of new ideas, coronavirus cures for the naive, if you will. While we’re still hoping a coronavirus cure is forthcoming, we can tell you definitively what doesn’t cure coronavirus. Here are some recommendations best avoided.
Garlic
While it certainly would be amazing if garlic was the cure to coronavirus, we’re guessing that people wouldn’t be freaking out so much if it was. The WHO (World Health Organization) says that while garlic is “a healthy food that may have some antimicrobial properties”, there’s no evidence that eating garlic can protect people from the new coronavirus.
While we were about to say that eating a bunch of garlic surely can’t hurt you, it turns out that’s wrong too. The South China Morning Post reported a story of a woman who had to receive hospital treatment for a severely inflamed throat after consuming almost 3.5 pounds of raw garlic. Also, no one wanted to be near her garlic breath for weeks.
Bleach – or rather MMS (still bleach)
Please don’t drink bleach. It’s strange to be writing that to people who can actually read, but please don’t drink bleach. Even if some dumbass YouTuber tells you to.
YouTuber Jordan Sather tweeted to his 121,000 followers that “big Pharma” doesn’t want you to know that a “miracle mineral solution” (MMS) cures coronavirus. What’s in this fancy miracle solution? Chlorine Dioxide, aka bleach.
The FDA has long warned that drinking chlorine dioxide products can lead to “severe vomiting, severe diarrhea, life-threatening low blood pressure caused by dehydration, and acute liver failure.” But you know, don’t trust the FDA, listen to some dude with a twitter account.*
Heat (and avoiding frozen treats)
We cannot be expected to endure a quarantine without ice cream. The good news is that we don’t have to. While we know that the Influenza virus has a harder time surviving outside the body in the summer, there is no proof that the coronavirus is cured by heat in any way.
Heating your body to kill the virus is totally ineffective, and not a good idea for someone who already has a fever. Additionally, hot baths and liquids won’t raise your body temperature, just like popsicles and ice cream won’t lower it.
Did you see a tweet from UNICEF telling you to go use a hairdryer in a tub while drinking tea in a 100-degree room? Shockingly, this is fake.
Charlotte Gornitzka, who works for Unicef on coronavirus misinformation, clarifies, “A recent erroneous online message…purporting to be a Unicef communication appears to indicate that avoiding ice cream and other cold foods can help prevent the onset of the disease. This is, of course, wholly untrue.”
Cocaine
We regret to inform you that cocaine does not cure coronavirus. Coronavirus would probably be a lot more fun if the only cure as cocaine and drug cartels the world over would be gloriously celebrating that they have spent years preparing for this day. Alas, it is not the case.
Apparently word of cocaine serving as a coronavirus cure became so prevalent in France that the government had to shut down the rumors. The French health ministry tweeted on Sunday: “No, cocaine does NOT protect against COVID-19. It is an addictive drug that causes serious side effects and is harmful to people’s health.”
Masturbation
While it would explain the lack of teenage boys dying from coronavirus, masturbation is also not a coronavirus cure. We think this rumor may be circulating as an attempt to curb the quarantine baby boom officials are expecting in about 9 months.*
While this rumor does explain the stockpiling of toilet paper and tissues, sadly, there is no proof to support this theory. However, at the very least, fighting infection has never been so pleasurable.
*When stockpiling for quarantine, don’t forget the condoms.
