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Sexy beasts: Movie monsters you’d still probably screw

Getting horny for movie monsters has become the internet’s favorite past time. Here’s a ranking of thirteen movie monsters you’d still probably screw.

Sexy beasts: Movie monsters you’d still probably screw

In Venom Tom Hardy transforms into a gloopy, alien symbiote with an impossibly long tongue. Did it make you horny? No, us neither. (Honest!)

However, upon the release of the trailer lats year, people with questionable but fairly understandable sexual tastes decided that Venom is totally f***able. One Twitter user pointed out that a tongue like that comes with obvious sexual advantages, while another mused: “He’s a bad boy type, he’s the type you don’t bring home to your parents. That’s when you’re purely monsterf***ing and that’s it. You don’t settle down with Venom.” Amen to that.

In the past few years, getting horny for movie monsters has become the internet’s favorite pastime and we’re so here for it. Here’s a ranking of thirteen movie monsters you’d still probably screw.

13. The Invisible Man: The Invisible Man (1933)

A lover full of surprises! The Invisible Man is basically blindfold sex without the blindfold. He’s the perfect lover for misanthropes who want to get laid without having to actually engage with another person.

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12. Creature from the Black Lagoon: Creature from the Black Lagoon (1954)

The gender ambiguous monster is tender as hell and also has a mouth that could cover a lot of ground (if you know what we’re saying). Plus, the amphibious nature of the creature means it’d be the ultimate bathtime lover. (We would have also added the Amphibian Man from Guillermo del Toro’s The Shape of Water, but he’s obviously too much of a honey to make this list).

11. Norman Bates: Psycho (1960)

He’s got abominable mommy issues and is a bit of a square (oh, and a monstrous misogynist who likes to slaughter ladies), but Anthony Perkins (Friendly Persuasion) was also a low-key babe. Definitely not one for shower sex, though.

10. Sil: Species (1995)

The alien-human hybrid (played by ultimate babe Natasha Henstridge) is basically on the hunt for a baby daddy, which complicates her voracious sexual appetites. Plus, she’s technically also a killer alien who you probably shouldn’t be putting your genitals anywhere near. But you definitely still would, wouldn’t you? Of course you would.  

9. Bride of Frankenstein: Bride of Frankenstein (1935)

No doubt about it: Frankie’s bride was hot. Simple as.

8. Patrick Bateman: American Psycho (2000)

He’s psychotic, he’s arrogant, he won’t shut up during sex. But would you do him? You’ve probably had worse, right? Haven’t we all.

7. The Wolf Man: The Wolf Man (1941)

He’s hairy, he’s starving, he howls at the moon a bunch – but you’d still probably throw him a bone (so long as he promised not to rip you to shreds).

6. Pinhead: Hellraiser (1987)

With his kinky bondage look and unromantic approach to playing with a person’s body, Pinhead is basically the Christian Grey of horror (but far more easygoing). Sure, he’ll “tear your soul apart”, but if you’re into the idea of an unstoppable sado-daddy with a cool accent, then Pinhead is it.

5. Jennifer Check: Jennifer’s Body (2009)

Firstly, it’s Megan Fox! You’d have to be insane to say no to all of that. Secondly, Jennifer is a literal maneater who also seems to be into the sapphic side of things. Would she literally eat you after sex? Definitely. Would it be worth it? Completely. You only live once!

4. Dracula: Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)

Or any movie vampire, for that matter. There’s something irresistibly horny about a person who craves you so much they want to deep throat your actual throat and drink you like a fruit box. That’s some next level kink.

3. Pennywise: It (2017)

Underneath all that bravado is just a hungry space arachnid who can change shape into your biggest fears. It’s probably the sort of creature that likes to be punished and so long as it can transform into Bill Skarsgård (Atomic Blonde) every now and then, you’d be down for it.

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2. The Babadook: The Babadook (2014)

Be honest, you totally want to Babadook his Babadick and we absolutely get it. The dude’s got some serious flair.

1. Big Daddy: Land of the Dead (2005)

With a name like Big Daddy (Eugene Clark), you know he’s going to bring it in bed. One of the first zombies to show intelligence, thought, and empathy in George A. Romero’s zombie series, Big Daddy might be undead, but he’s probably got more going on for himself than most living dudes. He’s the leader of a zombie gang! He can pump gas! And he can pump us anytime he likes.

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Amy Roberts is a freelance writer who occasionally moonlights as a hapless punk musician. She’s written about pop culture for websites like Bustle, i-D, and The Mary Sue, and is the co-creator of Clarissa Explains F*ck All. She likes watching horror movies with her cat and eating too much sugar.

amy@filmdaily.co

Comments
  • This is hilarious! Jennifer’s Body was definitely one of the horror movies that made me actually lust for the villain 😂

    June 1, 2018

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